Monday, March 9, 2015

Movie Monday - Jupiter Ascending

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat, Movie Monday is back! Okay, fine. It's like a one-off thing so that I can fangirl flail, but whatever.

So a week or so ago, I roped Ness and her boyfriend into seeing Jupiter Ascending with me. I'd seen on Tumblr and heard from friends that it was essentially the worst film of ever, but that it's so bad it comes back around again and it's actually fabulous.

I was massively sceptical, let me tell you. But we got discount tickets, so what the hell, right? And I'm so glad I saw it because it. was. FABULOUS.
Sure, the storyline is totally over the top ridiculous. I mean, there's space capitalists who own entire planets and treat humans as livestock. Space werewolves with anti-gravity boots that are basically flying rollerblades. Sean Bean as a character with dubious morals. An illegal immigrant cleaner being the reincarnation of the head of a powerful space capitalist family. James D'Arcy turning up, because apparently it's now the law for him to be in literally everything that I like. Eddie Redmayne wearing what Tumblr describes as "a tits out dressing gown with arm wings" whispering his lines in a Godfather-esque fashion while wandering around a space cathedral in the heart of Jupiter (the planet, not the character). Half of Chicago getting destroyed and no one remembering a thing. Bees. CHANNING TATUM WITH BADLY BLEACHED BLONDE HAIR AND A TERRIBLE GOATEE.
BEES. Also, source.
It sounds, as I'm sure you'd agree based on the previous paragraph, like a total and utter trainwreck. Hell, in a lot of ways it feels like fan fiction written by a 14 year old girl with $175 million dollars thrown at it. Which SHOULD be an unmitigated disaster.

And yet, it's massively entertaining. The script is full of intentionally ridiculous moments that are totally hilarious ("I love dogs", for example). The cinematography is stunning. The costumes are utterly glorious. Jupiter (the character, not the planet) goes from "I hate my life" to "holy shit snacks, what the hell is happening?" to "excuse me while I bandage your bleeding chest with a feminine hygiene product" to "I'm a badass self rescuing space princess who's maybe kinda sorta in love with a dude with wolf DNA".
There's a ton of gender role reversal, including on the poster. Jupiter is front and centre, staring straight into the camera. Caine's gaze is on Jupiter, in an approximation of the traditional tits and ass pose that so many women are forced into on sci-fi and action posters. In the film, Jupiter's the one who makes the romantic advances. Caine's the one seen in a sexualised light. She's the one who overpowers the villain. She's the one who saves the world. She wears her hair in a ponytail most of the time because it's hard to kick ass and save the world when your hair's in your face. And it is magical.
In short? It was everything I wanted from a movie. And you should go and see it immediately.

Have you seen it? What did you think?

K xx


  1. okay before seeing this post i really wanted to watch jupiter ascending but now i really really really really want to watch jupiter ascending. god, that description of eddie redmayne sounds glorious

  2. I really wanted to see this movie but no one would see it with me!!!!!!

  3. Eddie Redmayne is so utterly and brilliantly ridiculous that words can't adequately capture it. The best part is that they get to put "starring Oscar winner Eddie Redmayne" on the DVD.

    Seriously, it was glorious. If I had the money, I'd go see it again.


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