Thursday, May 31, 2012

Things I Like Thursday, Volume 7

Seen random stuff on the internet that you find hilarious or just want to share? Head over to Gina's to link up!

Between covering Eurovision over the weekend, and getting a shiny new phone to play with on Monday, I didn't get to do my usual aimlessly gallivanting about the internet in search of random nonsense stuff. So you'll only get a couple of offerings this week. But I'm okay with that! 

First up, if you were/are a fan of Dawson's Creek and/or Joshua Jackson, you HAVE to go and check out my bloggy BFF Pretzel Thief's post on her massive fangirl crush on Josh. Because it. Is. HI-larious. (Also because she called Dawson "a tremendouche", and that is officially the best word of ever. Even better than my go-to ("douchecanoe"), which I stole from The Bloggess.)

ANYWAY. Check it out. Because of reasons. 

And then we have this, which I saw yesterday and am still cuh-razy excited about. Is it December yet????? (If you don't love Les Mis, I *may* have to disown you. Sorry... Except that I'm not.)



Found something online this week that you desperately need to share? Head over to Gina's and link up! Equally excited about Les Mis? Let me know so we can fangirl about it together!! 

K xx

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Ancient History, Volume XIV

In case you missed the last installment, it covered Puno and an awkward homestay on Lake Titicaca.

The morning after we returned from the homestay, we got up to discover that there was no hot water in the hotel because the hot water heater had burst. Shortly thereafter, the water was turned off full stop. At least we were still able to brush our teeth due to the need to use bottled water for such things!

So it wasn't a particularly enjoyable six and a half hour bus ride, particularly when there was only one stop (and therefore one toilet break!) on the entire drive. Upon arrival in Cusco, it was pretty much a sprint to the showers. Although not before Nessa and I discovered that, unlike the rest of our group, our room was a dungeon with some kind of medieval padlock on the door. It was impossible to get open in a hurry, and once you eventually got the lock undone, you had to go down about three stairs to actually get into the room:


That evening, we had our briefing for the Inca Trail, and met the four people who were joining our group. There were two couples, who were quite a bit older than the rest of the group: one couple were sweet and hilarious and in their 40s. The other couple? Were a millionty years old, and very VERY annoying. Okay, technically it was just HER that was annoying. She was loud, unfit, and got everyone's names wrong right up until the end of the tour. After about 10 minutes in her company, I mentioned quietly to various members of the group that she was going to annoy the living shit out of me. I was promptly told to not be so judgemental and to give her a chance.

Within 24 hours, almost every member of the group had come up to me to say that yes, I was right and she was the most annoying person on earth. Needless to say, I got ever so slightly I-told-you-so-y. We decided that we needed a safe word so that we knew to suddenly stop talking if they came up and we were bitching about them. After a day or so, the safe word became synonymous with their names, and we just called them Mr and Mrs Watermelon instead... (Not to their faces, obviously!)

The following day started with a trip to Saqsayhuaman. Our guide for the day promptly informed us that it's pronounced "sexy woman". It's super awesome and historic and HOW THE HELL DID THEY MOVE THESE ENORMOUS STONES?!?!?!
Yet another unflattering photo of me for scale

Minus me so you can appreciate the awesomeness
More of the site

It would be even more awesome if the people of Cusco hadn't used it as a quarry up until the mid-20th century... ANYWAY. You also get a pretty spectacular view of downtown Cusco from Saqsayhuaman:

By the time we'd finished there, my inner archaeologist was flailing with excitement (Lor: this is kind of like when Ana's inner goddess does a samba, only much more awkward and nerdy. And not over a creepy stalker weirdo). We then headed up to Tambomachay, which was some kind of Incan spa or shrine to the water gods. Or both. Jeez, archaeologists. Make up your minds...

From Tambomachay, we went out to the Sacred Valley, which is pretty spectacular:

...and then to a llama/alpaca/vicuña education centre. Which basically ended up being "OMFG Mrs Watermelon is making us all stabby. Thank God there are baby animals here that we get to feed":
It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!! 


Eventually, we were dragged away from the babies left the education centre, and drove into Pisac where we were set free on the market and had empanadas for lunch. Om nom nom nom nom. Lunch was followed by a trip to a chicha brewery. We were given samples of chicha, which is completely and utterly vile, and - if I remember correctly - slightly chewy... Call me weird, but fermented beverages should not be chewy... There was also strawberry flavoured chicha, which was equally disgusting. The chicha brewery also had a room full of tasty snacks/adorable pets:
They're guinea pigs, in case you can't tell...

Our final stop of the day was Ollantaytambo, which was a royal Incan estate, and is super dooper awesome and amazeballs. Especially if you have an inner archaeologist:
Those are Incan storehouses about half way up the mountain. SUPER PRACTICAL!





After a couple of hours of me flailing around like an excited idiot and the rest of the group going "Hey, that's kind of old and nifty", we headed back into Cusco. Our tour leader issued us with our bags, sleeping mats and walking sticks for the Inca Trail (eek!!) and we spent a delightful evening packing by torchlight, because the hotel conveniently had a blackout. It was excellent preparation for the next four days. Or something...

Next up: The Inca Trail, on which Mrs Watermelon gets even more crazy and annoying, and on which I think I'm going to die.

K xx

Monday, May 28, 2012

Movie Monday: The Fifth Element


Oh, hai. Are y'all relieved that Eurovision is over and that I'll now shut up about it for another 12 months?? (Extra apologies to those of you who follow me on Twitter, and who had to live through the #sbseurovision frenzy that I had going on.)

Anyway, Eurovision (I promise I'll stop talking about it soon!) actually inspired this week's movie choice. The contestant from Albania reminded me quite a lot of the Diva. And once I'd come to that conclusion, this movie was the obvious choice!

Source
The Fifth Element. I'm pretty sure the last time I saw it was on my last night in Lima about four years ago. And I can't remember if it was dubbed into Spanish or if it had subtitles. Either way, it was about midnight, I was still kind of traumatised (HI NESSA!!), and I wasn't really paying attention. So I was well and truly overdue for rewatching this one!

Reasons why The Fifth Element is awesome:
1. Milla Jovovich. She's completely adorable. And a total badass. AND she saves the universe.
Source
2. Rebuilding a whole person from a handful of cells. It's pretty awesome.
3. Leeloo eating entire chickens and absorbing 5,000 years of human history at the same time.
4. Wheeeeeee, giant spaceships and evil talking planets!
5. Gary Oldman. Quite how this man STILL doesn't have an Oscar is completely beyond me. At least he has a nomination?  (Unlike Alan Rickman...)
Source
6. Crazy priests.
7. Spaceships and archaeology in 1914.
8. Bruce Willis, doing what Bruce Willis does best.
9. The cat watching TV.
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10. Luke Perry. He's surprisingly hot in his 1914 archaeologist outfit.
11. This entire movie is basically Doctor Who meets Star Trek meets Die Hard meets Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. What more could you want?!
12. Lee Evans! (aka Tucker from There's Something About Mary)
13. The Diva.
14. Korben hiding people all over his apartment.
15. The scene where Gary Oldman chokes on a cherry.
16. I would LOVE a bed that makes itself. And restaurants that come to your house. And make up that does itself. And food that appears magically from some kind of powder. Basically, I'm lazy.
17. Chris Tucker. He is SPECTACULAR in this.
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18. Jean-Paul Gaultier did the costumes. Jean-Paul Gaultier!

Plus, the following quotes:
- "What's wrong with you? What you screamin' for? Every five minutes, there's somethin'. A bomb or something'. I'm leaving!! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!"
- "Evil begets evil, Mr. President. Shooting will only make it stronger."
- "Anybody else want to negotiate?"
- Chi-cken. GOOD."
- "Mrs. Dallas, this is the President. On behalf of the federation, I would like to thank you..." "Oh PLEASE. That doesn't even sound like him! The President's an idiot, you don't sound like an idiot. If you don't wanna talk to your mother, just avoid me like usual, huh? I'll just throw myself in traffic! I'll just Saran Wrap myself to the bed and pretend my child is suffocating me..."
- "Leeloo Dal-las Mul-ti-pass!"
- "Sir, are you classified as human?" "Negative. I am a meat popsicle."
- "Wedding?" "[looks at himself and the four bouncers around him] Uh, not really..."
- "Bada boom. BIG bada boom."
- "I'm going to be famous!!"
- "Pla-eez haelp."
- "[to alien] A...a...a...are you German??"
- "Look, lady. I only speak two languages: English. And bad English."
- "Aziz, LIGHT!! [spaceship lights come on] Much better, thank you Aziz."

So, what do you think of The Fifth Element? Love it? Hate it? Never seen it? Let me know!!
K xx

Sunday, May 27, 2012

The most wonderful time of the year, part 3

It's finals night, kids!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!  (Although also a small dose of SAD FACE, because it means Eurovision will be over until next year...)

If you missed the semi-finals, you can check out my posts here and here. You can see all the acts on Youtube here, and all pictures are sourced from the individual country pages here.

Ooooh, Azerbaijan is starting the night with fireworks on the harbour - awesome!!! Looks pretty spectacular. And very Eurovision. My God. There is some insane interpretive dancing in light up costumes going on right now. Have to love the home country's opening acts! And now there are a bunch of women in very pretty blue dresses doing some traditional Azerbaijani dancing. Oh man. Now there are guys wearing light up vest playing light up drums. But of course! FLAMES. Now there's some kind of Azerbaijani Riverdance. And a big dose of crazy eyes from the guy out in front. Wowsers. WATERFALL OF FIRE!! Wheeeeee!!!

Awwww, and now last year's winners are back to perform the song that brought Eurovision to Baku. As the announcers have been saying all weekend, he's the Azerbaijani version of Charlie Pickering. All the hosts are wearing head to toe white outfits. EXCELLENT. What else would you expect from Eurovision, where you take a drink for every white suit?!

And now, on with the performances! I'll do proper stuff for the Big Five and Azerbaijan, and a couple of lines for the rest, as they've already performed in the semis.

United Kingdom - Englebert Humperdinck

Dammit, now I want to watch Princess Bride. Humperdinck, Humperdinck, Humperdinck, Humperdiiiiiinck!! Ahem. This performance is kind of like going to see someone in Vegas - they're past their prime and trying to recapture their fame, and it's all just a little bit sad. Aaand now they've grabbed a couple from So You Think You Can Dance and chucked them into the background doing a Latin dance. Ooooh, waterfall of fireworks. And catherine wheels! Waaaaaaay too much vibrato on the final note. Sorry, Humperdinck. You did a decent job, but I'm not sold.

Hungary - Compact Disco
They still sound like a group that would perform at the Bronze in Buffy. I don't remember his jacket having one gold lapel the other night... A solid performance.

Albania - Rona Nishliu
That's still a lot of hair. And she still reminds me of the women from The Fifth Element. She's got a pretty incredible set of pipes though. Shame it looks like she glued an intestine to her chest...

Lithuania - Donny Montell
That stupid blindfold is still annoying me. but it's the closest to an on-stage costume change we're going to get. SAD FACE. Wait. What are all the stripper images on the background screens?? Did NOT see those last night!

Bosnia & Herzegovina - Maya Sar
Oh, honey. At least TRY and look happy? I know your song is moody and deep, but seriously. Hahaha, she had her eyes closed when the wind machine came on, and it made it look like she wasn't expecting it.

Russia - Buranovskiye Babushki
The Grannies!!! They seem more relaxed than they were in the semi-final. They're still completely adorable. I hope this song is number 1 all over Russia. I'm actually singing along now. That's how great it is.

Iceland - Greta
The guy is still crazy intense and creeps me out a little. She's still very smiley. The more I hear this song, the more it reminds me of Evanescence...

Cyprus - Ivi Adamou
Huh. The outfits look less bridesmaidy than they did the other night. Shorter skirts, maybe?? Ivi looks like she's having a blast. I still see myself making this a total guilty pleasure song. I kind of love it.

France - Anggun

Holy crap, that was quite the set of abs in the background. Accompanied by white leggings. There are a stack of these blokes. They're doing acrobatics. EXCELLENT. I'm not quite sure what Anggun is wearing. Like an armour corset with a mesh floor length skirt?? Aaaaand now the hot guys are carrying her around the stage. WAIT. ARE BITS OF THIS SONG IN ENGLISH??????? THIS NEVER HAPPENS. EVER. Wow. Acrobatic breakdancing. And now the wind machine has stolen her skirt and is blowing it up in the air. Interesting...

Italy - Nina Zilli

Ooh, Big Five performances back to back! Interesting... Starting off with a saxophone. How very 80s. She's kind of an Italian Amy Winehouse, but less drugged out (too soon?). Hell, she even SOUNDS like Amy Winehouse! The song's kind of catchy. One of her back up singers looks like Lister from Red Dwarf. And her dance moves make it look like she needs to pee. Awkward... She was pretty good, I have to say!

Estonia - Oot Lepland
YES!! He did the eyebrow lift with his eyes closed again. I kind of love you, Oot. He's got a pretty great voice. It's not surprising he won Estonian Idol, really! He looks like he's having far more fun than the other night. Definitely a good performance.

Norway - Tooji
Zoolander meets Jacob Black. I may be chair dancing again. I'm not sorry. They're still good. The crowd loves it. I'm not surprised by any of this.

Azerbaijan - Sabina Babayeva

The host country are up! Let's see what they've got. A girl dressed like an angel. Okay then. The fog machine is working overtime again. I think Sabina's channelling Celine Dion. Her back up singers are using their skirts as props. I'm actually finding the male back up singer really irritating. He's overwhelming her AND looks like he's sitting on the floor in a straight jacket. I'm sure he's NOT, it just looks that way. The crowd goes crazy, but...eh.

Romania - Mandinga
Aaaah, playing the plastic bagpipes while moonwalking. We all do it. Right?! If anyone in this show were to have a wardrobe malfunction, I think it would be this girl. Ooh, the accordion flashes. That's a bit random.

Denmark - Soluna Somay
I still like this. But on a second run through, it sounds like something that would fit VERY nicely on the soundtrack of Dawson's Creek... The double bass player is wearing a singlet top under her corset. Apparently she realised she was in danger of slipping a nip on stage the other night!

Greece - Eleftheria Eleftheriou
Uh. Was her male back up dancer doing the worm on the ground the other night?? I'm sure I'd remember that. There are a LOT of pelvic thrusts in this song. I guess it's appropriate for a song called Aphrodisiac...

Sweden - Loreen
Strobe lights are go! The crowd's going wild for the favourite. She's certainly making the most of the lighting crew. I like this better tonight than I did last night. Although I still don't understand why it's snowing... SLOW MO FINISH!!

Turkey - Can Bonomo
Yay, the weird vampire chain-gang sailors! Lots of eye liner. It's still weird. I can't stop paying attention to the crazy back up dancers for long enough to listen to what the singer is saying...

Spain - Pastora Soler

Another Big Five entry. She's wearing white - it's the Eurovision way. It appears to be a toga and a lot of illusion netting. The Fug Girls would probably cut it off at midthigh and add ice skates. The background screen is raining. Ahaha, she's wearing body glitter. How 1999! She's got a pretty spectacular voice though. WIND MACHINE and a back lit white dress. At least she's not 16? Holy crap, that's a long note.

Germany - Roman Lob

The last of the Big Five. Awwww, he's adorable. I quite like this. Not a winning entry by a long shot, but something that you probably wouldn't turn off if it came on the radio. Although it seems a little bit low for him. Like he's struggling slightly with the lower notes? I'd probably vote for him just because he's cute though. Huh. Apparently it was cowritten by Jamie Cullum, which explains why it sounds radio ready!

Malta - Kurt Calleja
Oh, Kurt. You and your one glove. Put this up an octave and Kurt from Glee could take over quite nicely. And do a better job, I suspect... "This is the night for Malta!!" Oh Kurt. I think not.

F.Y.R. Macedonia - Kaliopi
She still looks like a Kardashian. She's still got an amazing voice. I think I like it better than I did in the semi-final. Maybe she's nailing the rock/ballad combo better? And she could still shatter glass with that scream.

Ireland - JEDWARD!!!
They're quite spectacularly terrible, but I kind of adore them. I think it's that they can't QUITE get their dance moves in sync. Also, I keep ending up with this song stuck in my head. It's like the new rickrolling. Ahahaha, awkward twin high fives. EXCELLENT.

Serbia - Zeljko Joksimovic
Oh hey. It's the world's most serious violinists. I remember this guy's instrumentalists more than him and his song. I'd say that's a bad sign...

Ukraine - Gaitana
Wow, her trumpet player is really struggling tonight... She appears to be nailing it though. Drag queens around the world are already planning their outfits to replicate this one. Hey, Gaitana? Sack your trumpeter. I have no idea what's going on. But he is TERRRRRRRRIBLE.

Moldova - Pasha Parfeny
Oh hey! It's Moldovan blacksmith Colin Farrell trying to pick up at a wedding! I don't remember his back up dancers showing that much of their knickers in the semi... Seriously. I don't not remember half of these ridiculous dance moves. It's kind of great.

Well. That's the end of the performances! Oh thank God. The hosts have changed out of their blinding white outfits. Aaaand it's raining confetti in the Crystal Hall. Half time act. Let's see what they've got. Oh good grief. The President of Azerbaijan's son-in-law. This promises to be terrible. Sweet mother of God, that's a lot of violins. And flaming torches. Storming Dracula's castle, perhaps?? Thor appears to be manning the drumkit. The President's son-in-law is being lowered down from the ceiling. He's kind of cute for a guy who needs a leg up from his father-in-law. Well. That was...interesting.

On to the voting! Hurrah, awkward satellite linkups from all over Europe. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!! I'm not going to go through the individual results because we've be here FOREVER. So let's cut straight to the good stuff.

The winner is...*drum roll*...SWEDEN!!! By a landslide. And the runner up is the Grannies from Russia - HURRAH!


What did you guys think of the final? Who would you have voted for, given the chance??

See you all next year for Eurovision 2013 in Stockholm. Or, you know, tomorrow for Movie Monday...

K xx

Saturday, May 26, 2012

The most wonderful time of the year, part 2

If you missed last night's post covering semi-final 1, go and check it out before you read this.

For those who've read it, let's get going on semi-final 2!! Once again, you can see all the acts here or here (The former is mostly preview videos, and the latter may only work in Australia). And once again, all images were sourced from the individual country profiles here.

Serbia - Zeljko Joksimovic

The violinist looks like she's trying not to cry. Or falling asleep? I can't tell. The singer guy looks kind of like a Serbian version of Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Uh. Is the clarinettist man wearing a skirt?? And why are the violin women trying to straddle each other?! Also, is the singer guy wearing gumboots?? And a t-shirt under his tuxedo?? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. I guess the song's okay? It's kind of Il Divo-esque.

F.Y.R. Macedonia - Kaliopi

Oh hey, it's the missing Kardashian sister!! Only she can sing, so clearly has a talent. Unlike the rest of them... Another violinist who's falling asleep. Is this how we're meant to identify schmoopy love songs? Oooh. Now it's all rock anthem-y. Nice. Although now she kind of sounds like she's trying to sing opera to a rock beat... Holy cow. What a scream. Or insanely high note?? Could go either way.

The Netherlands - Joan Franka

Flames!!!! And a Native American headdress??? WHAT. She sounds kind of out of tune with her guitar. Oh, and now there's an accordion. Of course. I can't get over her ridiculous headdress. And her back up singer appears to be dressed as Pocahontas. But her band are dressed like they've escaped the Great Depression. Or maybe District 12... If it weren't for these ridiculously offensive outfits, I might like this.

Malta - Kurt Calleja

Okay, there's a DJ. And secret handshake-y weirdness. Very Europop. Ooh, funky dance moves! Is that the Melbourne Shuffle?!?!? Wow. I'm impressed that the drummer can shimmy and drum at the same time. Uh. Is Kurt wearing one fingerless glove? HE IS. WHY. WHYYYY??? OMG. The DJ does acrobatic dancing. FIREWORKS, WHEEEE!! Hopefully the first of many!

Belarus - Litesound

Synchronised walking! OMG. What is your hair, sir? And why are you wearing chainmail?? Kind of catchy, but their bizarre Mad Max-esque outfits are horribly distracting. Ahahaha, all the guitar players are lying down on their mic stands. OF COURSE. More synchronised walking. FIREWORKS.

Portugal - Filipa Sousa

Wow, that's quite the shiny dress!! With one hell of a slit up the side. Don't move too fast, honey. You'll flash all of Europe. It's like Angelina's Oscars dress all over again, only sparkly. She's clearly very passionate about what she's singing. Lots of Rachel Berry singing-with-your-eyes-closed-and-pushing-your-emotions-away-from-you stuff. Her back up singers look like bouncers from a Vegas casino...

Ukraine - Gaitana

STROBE LIGHTS APLENTY!! And giant screens. And OH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE WEARING. A headdress of enormous pink flowers, and a floor length dress made entirely of white fringed leather. It's very dancey though, so that's an improvement on the mopeyness we've had so far this evening. Her back up dancers outfits are equally hilarious. Holy cow, that's a high note and a half. Ahaha, now she has Sims doing back up dancing on the giant screens. Is that cheating when you're only allowed six people on the stage? Aaaand end with fireworks.

Bulgaria - Sofi Marinova

This already looks like bad karaoke. In thigh high white leather boots. With a fog machine working overtime. Those earrings must be painful. They're ENORMOUS. The sheer number of strobe lights involved is giving me a headache. Uhhhh. Now there are giant catherine wheel fireworks. OF COURSE. When it's just you on the stage, you have to keep people's attention somehow!

Slovenia - Eva Boto

Another 16 year old. She appears to be wearing a tablecloth. Oh wait. That was her backup singer. Eva appears to be wearing a lace curtain with plastic flowers glued to it. These outfits are amazing. ON STAGE COSTUME CHANGES!! Well. Removal of capes. Not quite the same. But I'll take it. The song is...okay, I guess. KEY CHANGE. They're abusing the wind machine a little bit.

Croatia - Nina Badric

She appears to be holding a giant black garbage back along with the microphone. Oh. My bad. It's just the train of her dress. And now there are men weaving calf length skirts and gumboots doing interpretive dance. Oh, hey. She's wearing the other half of Kurt from Malta's glove - hers is just fingers! Okay, now the guys have a giant white sheet and they're playing tug of war. WHY.

Sweden - Loreen

This is the favourite, apparently. STROBE LIGHTS APLENTY. Again. Abuse of the wind machine. Again. She appears to still be wearing her dressing gown. And now she's grabbing her own boobs. What else! She kind of looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt singing a techno version of Celine Dion. I can see this song being used as a shoulder track at Body Pump quite easily. I have no idea if that's good or bad... SNOWING ON THE STAGE. Except that it kind of looks like someone popped a beanbag in the rigging. And now there's a contestant from So You Think You Can Dance backing her up. Or maybe he's a Swedish ninja? I just can't tell.

Georgia - Anri Jokhadze

MONK ROBES. And leftover snow from Sweden. Hahaha. Don't slip, Anri! Uh. His back up singers are wearing burlesque outfits. WHAT. Wait. He's not wearing his monk robe any more. THERE WAS AN ON STAGE COSTUME CHANGE AND THEY DIDN'T SHOW IT. I AM IRATE!!!! Gah. Ooh, fire!! And he's playing a giant drum. The fog machine is paying for itself on this one. Holy crap. The dancer stole her outfit and her hair from Rihanna. Oh, and now he's playing the piano. Awwwkward endings...

Turkey - Can Bonomo

Starting with fireworks. Excellent. BILLOWY CLOAKS OF DOOM!! Is he pretending to be a Whirling Dervish? Oh. I understand, anchors on the background screens. They're dressed like sailors. FROM THE WORLD'S WEIRDEST NAVY. It's like a bunch of vampires are suddenly on a chain-gang. Aaaand now they're using their cloaks to make a boat. Of course.

Estonia - Ott Lepland

Ahaha, he won Estonian Idol and played Zac Efron in Estonian High School Musical. And he's wearing a waistcoat over a t-shirt. Bless... He's pretty cute though. Although he can't seem to keep his eyes open. He's got a pretty good voice. And can raise an eyebrow while he has his eyes closed. Impressive skill, dude. He's keeping one hand on his heart at all times. Is this the new Estonian national anthem?? Oh. Now he has his arms out like Jesus on the cross. Alrighty then.

Slovakia - Max Jason Mai

Holy crap. If his pants were any lower, there would be penis on screen right now. STROBE LIGHTS. This is like the year that metal band from Finland, Lordi won, dressed like monsters. Only not. Am I watching Eurovision or the trailer for Rock of Ages?? His hair is enormous. DUDE. DON'T EXERT YOURSELF. Your pants will ACTUALLY fall off. His band aren't bad. He's...not great. Sorry, Max... At least it's something different!

Norway - Tooji

Oooh, fancy acrobatic choreography. And fog. AAAND the crowd goes wild! Is this Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black?? It's pretty catchy though. And the choreography is fun. FIREWORKS AND FIRE!! Double threat. I'm doing a little dance in my chair. I guess that means it's pretty good?? I wouldn't object to hearing it again tomorrow night, at any rate.

Bosnia & Herzegovina - Maya Sar

Singing and playing the piano while wearing a dress stolen from Morticia Addams. Okay then. She's got a nice voice, but she's spending an awful lot of time looking incredibly worried. And she's abusing the wind machine a little bit. Not a whole lot more to say, really.

Lithuania - Donny Montell

Um. What is that sparkly blindfold thing?? Good Lord. He's knee deep in fog. That poor fog machine has been working overtime! Seriously, what the fuck is this blindfold?? He looks like he's about to face a drag queen firing squad. Ohhhh, "love is blind". I see (ha) what you did there. YES. He's ditched the blindfold. And done a single handed cartwheel. Kind of looks like a young John Barrowman. Despite the gimmicky-ness, this is actually kind of okay. Very Eurovision, but a decent way to end the songs for the evening.

Aaaaand it's results time. Which ten countries will make it through to tomorrow night's final??
1. Lithuania
2. Bosnia & Herzegovina
3. Serbia
4. Ukraine
5. Sweden
6. F.Y.R. Macedonia
7. Norway
8. Estonia
9. Malta
10. Turkey

Well. There we have it! I'm kind of bummed that Anri and his on-stage costume change didn't make the cut. But I guess at least we have Turkey and the vampire navy to look forward to tomorrow night...

Are you watching the big finale tomorrow? Who would have your vote given the opportunity??

K xx

Friday, May 25, 2012

The most wonderful time of the year

No, not Christmas, you guys.

EUROVISION.

It's amazing. And because I'm cool like that, I'm going to blog the semi-finals (because, let's face it, they're far more fun! I *may* change my mind on Sunday night and decide to blog about the big five. We'll see how much my brain melts in the next two nights...). Eurovision 2012 is coming to the world from Baku, Azerbaijan.

First of all, you can listen to all the songs here. But the videos for many of them will make absolutely no sense in relation to what I'm talking about. These will make a lot more sense, but I have no idea if they're accessible outside Australia...

Anyway. On with the show!! (All images from the individual country pages here)

Montenegro - Rambo Amadeus

Ahahaha, his name is spectacular. What. This is like Eurovision and the Phantom of the Opera had a baby. It's like an Eastern European version of Meatloaf RAPPING. And why is there a Trojan horse on the stage???? Oh, and now there are break dancers. Of course. And it's apparently a "monetary break dance". What else!

Iceland - Greta Salome and Jonsi

This guy is very...intense. Kind of like Edward stalker Cullen or something. Aww, the girl is adorable. Kind of the Icelandic blonde version of Amy Adams. Although I wish she'd stop flinging her hair around while she plays violin. This is kind of like Abba with strings. Only more rock-y?? Oooh, KEY CHANGE. And wind machines??? Her hair seems to be blowing around. FIREWORKS!

Greece - Eleftheria Eleftheriou

Uh, honey? You forgot your skirt. Her outfit is half dress, half bathing suit. Quality Europop. I'm not quite sure what the back up dancers are wearing. I wish my legs looked like that... Her hair appears to be pissing her off quite a lot. ZORBA'S DANCE. Aaaand awkward final poses.

Latvia - Anmary

A song about winning Eurovision? Really?? Oh my God. This song is terrible. It's basically her life story. In song form. And the amounts of blue netting on her dress are scaring me. I love how much taller than her back up singers she is. She looks like a Barbie doll, towering over them. Her back up singers look like the cast of Latvian Desperate Housewives...

Albania - Rona Nishliu

Aww, it's in Albanian. I have no effing clue what she's singing about. Booooo... But her hair is channelling Sarah Jessica Parker and her costume is channelling Lady Gaga. She's doing the Rachel Berry "sing with your eyes closed when it's emotional" thing. Oooh, FOG. Okay. This is kind of reminding me of the giant blue opera singer lady from The Fifth Element. Oh, and end with fake crying. Excellent. And weird...

Romania - Mandinga

Awww. Sad. There are seven people in their group, but you can only have six on stage, so one guy has to sit in the green room... Romanian/Cuban fusion. What. WHITE SUITS!! And plastic bagpipes? And an accordian. Oh, Eurovision... She seems to have forgotten her skirt too. And the back of her dress. Despite the ridiculousness, I'm kind of liking this song. It's classic Eurovision brilliance. Oooh, flames!! AND fireworks. It's like a 20/20 cricket match up in here!

Switzerland - Sinplus

CRAZY TALL HAIR!! Although I'm not sure why he squints when he sings. Also, he needs to pull his pants up. He looks like he's pooped himself. This song might be okay if he weren't kind of pitchy. They appear to have a dominatrix playing the bass. More flames! Seriously, that squint is weirding me out.

Belgium - Iris

Honey, your dress is see-through when backlit. Not really appropriate for a 16 year old... (The dress is kind of cute, despite being see-through-y) She's adorable, but very breathy sounding. And that's about all I have to say about her. She's kind of meh.

Finland - Pernilla

She's singing in Swedish?? Uh, okay. Pretty sure that's the Finnish Neil Patrick Harris on cello. BILLOWY DRESS OF DOOM!! Might be time to ease up on the wind machines. This kind of reminds me of the Corrs. (Anyone remember them?!)

Israel - Izabo

Let me guess, it's about peace? Oh my God. IT'S NOT. Miracle! Ooh, FLAMES! And fros. This is very early 90s sounding... Bonus point for having a giant clocks on all the screens. The lead singer is basically Mr Bean with a fro... STROBE LIGHTS. Aaaaand that was completely terrible.

San Marino - Valentina Monetta

YES!! THE FACEBOOK SONG!!!!! Oh my God. There's a cheerleader on stage. Hahaha, she has a laptop on stage. This is like the Village People singing about Facebook. Aww. They've changed the words from "Facebook, uh oh oh" to "Social network uh oh oh" What. Lame. After all the scandal about this, I'm guessing they won't get through.

Cyprus - Ivi Adamou

What are these outfits. They look like ugly beige bridesmaids' dresses. With leggings?? Or knee socks? I can't tell. Very poppy, but surprisingly catchy. Kind of like the Cypriot version of J-Lo. Ooh, acrobatics. Oh honey. Sparkly illusion netting over your cleavage is neither stealthy nor flattering. One of the back up singers appears to have Princess Leia buns. Awesome.

Denmark - Soluna Samay

Nice epaulettes!! She's adorable. Not quite sure why the cellist looks like he's en route to the gym. The double bass player needs to bounce up and down less, or a boob is going to pop out of her corset... Kind of the Danish version of Jewel? They're good! Bonus points for having a giant leather chair on stage. I wouldn't be surprised if they won.

Russia - Buranovskiye Babushki

OMG. A bunch of a millionty year old ladies. This is spectacular. And awful. They're adorable, but it sounds like singalong time at the nursing home. Oh, and now there's a nightclub sort of theme going on. I'm confused. This is the Russian version of the old lady in The Wedding Singer. Awww, they baked! It looks like they made cookies. I want some.

Hungary - Compact Disco

I quite like this. FLAMES!! It's kind of like a cross between U2 and some band that would have played at the Bronze in Buffy? Although I wish the lead singer would stop treating the microphone like the lid of a jar he's trying to open. He also looks like he's wearing lightweight chainmail, thanks to his extra shiny shirt.

Austria - Trackshittaz

Uh. Pole dancing. And rapping. In German. Even the camera doesn't know where to look. What is this guy's hair?? Oh dear. Now the singers are pole dancing too. Aaaand he's lost his hat doing pelvic thrusts. OH MY GOD. Their costumes light up. (Of course they do. It's Eurovision.) Wow. The name of the band is incredibly appropriate...

Moldova - Pasha Parfeny

Insane costumes and trumpet music, what's not to love?! This guy looks like a blacksmith version of Colin Farrell. And yet he's singing about a wedding? "This trumpet makes you mine, girl"? Bahahahaha. Uh. No. And now there's kind of a silent movie vibe??? And cartwheels from the back up singers. Hilariously ridiculous.

Ireland - JEDWARD!!!!

They were spectacular last year. This is year is no different. Those costumes are amazing. And their hair!! It's like bouncy silver versions of C3PO. Fog! And weird jumps. Oh, Jedward. OOOH, WATERJETS!!! My God. They're so bouncy. They're like springer spaniels. I love it. They just yelled "AWESOME!!" and jumped in the air. Hilarious. Aww, now they're making a love heart with their hands. And they just jumped in the fountain-y thing. EXCELLENT.

And that's it for tonight's performances. Who's going to make it through to the finals??? ANNOUNCEMENT TIME!

 Through to the finals:
1. Romania
2. Moldova
3. Iceland
4. Hungary
5. Denmark
6. Albania
7. Cyprus
8. Greece
9. Russia
10. Ireland

Jedward are doing cartwheels of celebration.

My God, I love Eurovision. Semi-final 2 is tomorrow night, so there'll be more spectacular nonsense then! Hopefully with on-stage costume changes. They've been sadly lacking thus far...

Do you love Eurovision? Hate it? Never heard of it? Tell me!!!

K xx
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