ANYWAY. On with the ranting.
- There are new credits. My brain can't cope with this. Mulder is gone. My brain can't cope with this either. Wait. WAIT. Is Monica face nomming CARY ELWES????? OH MY GOD, SHE IS. And now Lucy Lawless is in it?????? What ARE you, season 9? Oh, and Scully's baby appears to have telekinesis. OF COURSE.
|CARY ELWES!! Also, source.|
- Uh, okay. Lucy Lawless appears to be some kind of mermaid thing. Oh. Or not. She's just a super-soldier who can breathe underwater. Ugh, Jayne is still alive?? I thought they killed him off at the end of last season. SIGH. Scully's baby is apparently a super-soldier too. I sense this being a theme this season. Snore... WHAT THE FUCK. LUCY LAWLESS JUST RIPPED OFF JAYNE'S HEAD WITH HER BARE HANDS AND HIS HEADLESS BODY RIPPED OUT HER HEART.
- Some guy just shot his own wife thinking she was an intruder. This is why guns are a bad idea, y'all. And now there are snakes coming out of the wife's dead body. Whut. And now there's a woman with a face full of syringes. And it's gross. Oh God. Some guy just projectile vomited all over T-1000. Like, 20 litres of projectile vomit. It was like that scene in Team America, except with an actual person rather than a marionette... And this whole thing was a giant scheme to break the vomiting dude out of prison? I AM CONFUSED.
|I'm sorry. I couldn't not show you. Source|
- OMG. Some guy just slit Monica's throat. Except...now she seems fine? And now T-1000 has been shot in an alley, even though he's standing in Monica's apartment. I call wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey nonsense. Ooooh, now Monica is being accused of shooting T-1000 because the bullet was from her gun. T-1000 is awake, but can't breathe on his own, and is using Morse code to communicate. Raaaaaaandom. CARY ELWES SAVES THE DAY!!! And now Monica is pulling the life support on T-1000, and he died but that set the timelines right again so now they're both alive and it's like the whole thing never happened. Yay??
- Oh dear. Some kind of Jackass ripoff. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeuw, some guy's head is SUPER squished and there are flies coming out of his eye sockets. And now there's a sleazy entomologist. SUE SYLVESTER IS THE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. WTF. Sue Sylvester and her teenage son are bug people who can spit spider webs and who like to eat people?? I'm very confused. You know, just for a change...
- Voiceover from Scully talking to the baby about soulmates while photos of Mulder and Scully over the past nine years play on the screen. She and Mulder are sneakily emailing each other, which is kind of hilarious because their email addresses are email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org. Oh, Scully. Don't invite a random stranger into your house and then be surprised when that stranger tries to steal your baby... Ahaha, John Locke from Lost is playing a shady NSA agent. With a pedo moustache. Ooh, apparently Mulder's return was predetermined and it's like NOW. Except that not, because John Locke turned up at the train station and started shooting everyone, which meant that the train Mulder was meant to be on didn't stop. Which means that Scully has cry face. Jesus, woman. Just pick him up at the next station... UGH, T-1000 shot John Locke, but now they can't find him and T-1000 thinks he was a super-soldier. Which seems to have been proved correct, because he just got sucked into the wall of a quarry and exploded thanks to his metal skeleton being magnetised to the ore. Gross.
- T-1000 just woke up in Mexico with amnesia to find some dude stealing his shoe. This should be good... He now seems to be working for Mexican people smugglers because they paid for him to get out of a Mexican jail. WHUT. Ahaha, he just dropped a car on some guy's foot, making him shoot himself in the leg. Awesome. Aaaaand his amnesia seems to be caused by a witch doctor. Of course.
- Some guy just had a premonition that he was going to get skinned alive. AND THEN HE WAS. Worst. Premonition. EVER. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. Why is T-1000 in Monica's bedroom at 2am?? Oh. Apparently they're at a motel and he could hear her having a nightmare through the wall. DAMMIT. I thought there were more #secretsexytimes going on. Apparently the people-skinned-alive weirdness dates back to 1868, and people get killed in fours. And Monica was there in her past lives (WTF??) which is how she knows that the murderer is the detective in charge of the case. Yay.
|File under "Things you don't want to have a premonition about". Source.|
- Hmm. Illegal border crossing to smuggle rubbings of the alien ship from the end of season 6 into the US. And now it appears that there's a spaceship being uncovered in the Middle of Nowhere, Canada. OF COURSE. And now Scully's baby is making a chunk of the spaceship hover. So obviously, her solution is to give the baby to the Lone Gunmen. Which, not surprisingly, led to some woman from the spaceship excavation shooting out the window of their Kombi van and taking the baby from them.
- Even though this is part 2 of the previous episode, we're now in Desert Storm. Apparently there were super-soldiers in Desert Storm. But of course... Back in Canada, the crazy spaceship excavating guy thinks that a) God is talking to him through the spaceship, and b) Scully's baby is a miracle child. And that they need to kill Mulder to fulfill a prophecy about the baby. OH HAI, HARRY POTTER!! Ahahaha, the baby's crying made the spaceship light up, pull itself out of the ground, and fly away. LOL, WHUT.
- Oooooh, flirty flirtiness going on between Monica and T-1000. Aaaaand then she was in a car crash. Which means she's now having some kind of Meredith Grey "I'm dead and hanging out in a hospital" moment. Mixed with some kind of "In My Time of Dying" thing from Supernatural. Back in the real world, she's brain dead and T-1000 is saaaaaaaaaaad. Turns out her doctor is drugging patients into braindeath so he can harvest their organs. WHUT. T-1000 is crying and asking for help from some random girl at the hospital who can apparently travel to the spirit world or something?? YAY, Monica's aliiiiiiiiiive!! And T-1000 is arresting the creepy doctor. WHEEEEE.
|Sucks to be Monica... Also, source.|
- Clearly this is some kind of set-in-the-past opening, because a teenage girl just said "You can't think Milli Vanilli is cool, I will disown you!". And now there are exploding heads. Gross... Apparently it's some kind of flashback to when T-1000 was a patrolman in New York. Oooh, now Scully's accusing T-1000 of planting evidence. Nooooo, Monica. Don't go in the sewers!! Didn't Scully warn you about the fluke monster???
- Ahahahahahaha, BURT REYNOLDS. Monica is using numerology to solve a string of murders. Scully's all "LOL, WHUT??". Ahahah, the boss man was all "Monica is awesome because she found a serial killer", and then she started talking about numerology and the power of numbers and everyone gave her "Stay away from the crazy person" looks. Awesome. Now Scully and Monica are locked in a parking garage at midnight playing chequers with Burt Reynolds. WHAT IS THIS EPISODE?!?!?!
|WTF. Also, source.|
- Hey, Perky Blonde Fangirl Agent is back!!! And she's found an X-File. WIN. Now Scully is autopsying a dead cat on her kitchen table using cooking utensils. GROSS. This is going to be something to do with the creepy kid making monsters come to life. Yup. I was right. Also, this kid is SUPER creepy.
- Oh God. A Lone Gunmen focused episode? This is The X-Files equivalent of the Ghostfacers episodes in Supernatural. Wait. They killed off all three of the Lone Gunmen with a weird shark virus thing?? WTF.
|Lamest funeral ever. Also, source.|
- Awww. Scully is singing "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog" to the baby. Now some super scarred guy has broken into the X-Files office to steal stuff, and he was using Mulder's key card. T-1000 thinks it IS Mulder. Scully's not convinced. But the DNA test says that it is. Now scarred guy is sneaking into the baby's nursery and injecting him with something. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, scarred dude is AGENT SPENDER!!!!! (aka Mulder's half brother and Cigarette Smoking Man's son, if you've forgotten) And he injected the kid with some kind of metal, which means he's no longer part alien. But apparently the aliens will always keep hunting for him. So Scully's giving up the baby for adoption. This should be sad, but mostly I'm relieved.
- Oh dear. T-1000 and the tinkly pianos of life changing events are in an abandoned building. And now the wall is bleeding. WTF. Scully has a creepy as fuck student at Quantico who has a murder wall thing going on in his bedroom. I foresee him secretly being a serial killer. T-1000 wants creepy serial killer student's help on his son's case. Ahahah, Robert Patrick's wife is playing T-1000's ex-wife. Awesome. Oh dear. Now it turns out that creepy serial killer student was in New York when T-1000's son was killed, and now they're arresting him. Ooooh, apparently Cary Elwes was/is taking money from mobsters and said mobster was involved in the death of T-1000's son. Oh. Apparently T-1000's son saw the mobster after he got abducted by a pedo and so the mobster killed him. Aaaaaand Cary Elwes just got his murder on. Awesome. At least T-1000 now has closure?? He and his ex/real wife are scattering their kid's ashes at the beach. Monica came with him and now there's hugging. Like, can't-live-without-you kind of hugging. I think I'm starting to ship them. THIS IS BAD.
|NOW KISS. Source.|
- Oh my God. There is an exact duplicate of the Brady Bunch house. WTF. And now there are creepy versions of Bobby and Cindy Brady wandering around. Ahahaha, T-1000 has "WTF, Monica likes The Brady Bunch???" face. It seems like there's some kind of telekinesis thing going on. T-1000 is now stuck to the ceiling of the attic. And now the telekinetic guy is floating Skinner in midair in his office. Ahahaha. But apparently when the guy uses his power, it kills him, and his power goes away when he's happy. That is officially the lamest power EVER.
- It's the big two hour finale!!! MULDER'S BACK, BITCHES. And there are underground tunnels and Hummers and now I want to watch The Avengers... Ugh, Jayne's back AGAIN??? Silly Mulder, don't break into a super-soldier facility. Mulder threw Jayne off a balcony onto a bunch of electrical cables and now he's frying. LOVELY. Oh dear. The military have brainwashed Mulder, and now he's hallucinating dead people, starting with Krycek, then Mr. X and The Lone Gunmen. Ahahaha, Mulder is making Hannibal Lecter jokes. Scully is not impressed. Ooooh, William is OUR son now, is he? #secretsexytimes Mulder was sentenced to death for "killing" Jayne, but T-1000 and Skinner broke him out of jail and now they're on the run. On the run to an Anasazi pueblo where there's a wise man who can help them. And the wise man is actually Cigarette Smoking Man? I AM DONE WITH THIS SHOW. SERIOUSLY. T-1000 and Monica have turned up at the pueblo to help Mulder and Scully. Jayne has turned up to kill everyone. Cigarette Smoking Man just told Mulder and Scully that the final alien invasion will happen on 22 December 2012. Guess I don't have to buy anyone any Christmas presents!!! Hahaha, the pueblo has the weird ore in it that blew up John Locke, and now Jayne's going the same way. Awesome. Aaaaaaand we end with Mulder and Scully cuddling on a motel room bed in the dark. Which, seriously????? They didn't find out anything, they didn't stop a single conspiracy, and they're still on the run. I CAN'T EVEN. I am officially done. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
|Jayne go bye-byes. Also, source.|
To make it up to you guys, here's a hilarious video that Pink Gingham Girl sent me of all the times Scully said "Oh my God" throughout the course of all nine seasons. Because LOL FOREVER.