Thursday, October 18, 2012

Dead men don't tip, Agent Scully

Holy hell. It took me foreeeeeeeeeeever, but I've FINALLY finished watching The X-Files season 8. To be honest, I've been rapidly losing interest for a while now, but I'm determined to finish the final season because I hate not knowing what happens at the end of a book or movie or TV show (yes, I'm the girl who reads the last page of the book. At least that way if I get hit by a bus, my ghost won't have to wander around for all eternity wondering what happened at the end!).

Scully's face pretty much sums up my feelings about this season. Also, source.

So. On with the show!
  • Mulder is gone, and Scully's having nightmares about him. Aaaaaaand now the T-1000 from Terminator 2 has turned up. His name may be Agent John Doggett, but I'm just going call him T-1000, because I can't not. Scully just threw water in his face. AWESOME. Aww. Now Scully's hiding out at Mulder's and is lying on his bed hugging one of his dirty shirts. Honey, that's a little weird... Uh, apparently Mulder was dying from a weird brain disorder. And now he's kidnapped the psychic chess playing kid from season 5-6, and T-1000 has Mulder at gunpoint. TO BE CONTINUED.
  • WTF. Mulder just jumped off a cliff and went splat. Oh. It wasn't Mulder. It was the Alien Bounty Hunter. Who's now impersonating Scully. This is very confusing. Two Scullys on screen at the same time. Oh. T-1000 saved the day. And has now been assigned to the X-Files. And Scully's having a little teary. 
  • WTF. There is some kind of giant angry bat person thing eating people... DAVID DUCHOVNY IS NO LONGER IN THE CREDITS AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY. Scully has very...wide...hair in this episode. And now T-1000 is fighting a giant bat person in a lake. Seriously, WTF. 
BAT PERSON. Also, source.
  • Um. A bus full of people just stopped in the middle of nowhere and the people on board started clubbing each other to death with rocks. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. Ahaha. Scully is using a digital camera, and after you take a photo it brings up an hourglass symbol because it takes so long to save it to the card. Oh, gross. There's some kind of body swap deal that involves putting giant creepy worms into your spine. They've put it into Scully and she is piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed. Oh, double gross. T-1000 came to the rescue and CUT HER BACK OPEN TO GET THE WORM OUT. *gags forever*
  • Okay, this episode started with "All the Pretty Horses" playing, and it made me sleepy because that was my bedtime song as a kid. ANYWAY. Some kid disappeared for ten years, but is exactly the same ago. And he's REALLY creepy. And now he's going after his younger brother with a huge knife, and NYARGH. Hmm, T-1000 had a missing kid of his own once upon a time, so he's all about feeling the pain. The guy who abducted the kid ten years ago just dug up his skeleton in his back garden. SO WHERE DID THIS KID COME FROM?!?!?! O.o Oh dear, now the younger brother has vanished. But they found him thanks to the creepy kid, who seems to have been some kind of corporeal ghost??
Creepy small child. Also, source.
  • Hmm. There's some kind of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey shit going on here. Time is passing as it should, except the days are happening in reverse order. Apparently this dude - who's a friend of T-1000's - killed his wife and is in jail for it, but has no memory of doing it. Ugh. T-1000 to the rescue AGAIN?? Is this going to be a theme? Because zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 
  • Uh, ew. An entire room of dead cult members, and some dude with an axe who has an eye in the middle of his forehead. WTF. So apparently you use drugs to open your third eye (literally), and that makes people around you hallucinate stuff and then they die that way. WHUT. Ahahaha, and now T-1000 has an eye in the middle of his forehead. He's dreaming that he has blood on his hands and that he's chopping off Scully's head. And he just woke up to find her in his bedroom. AND THAT WAS THE END OF THE EPISODE. I have literally no idea what just happened. 
So this happened. Source.
  • So there's a dude who can see through walls. And he's using his ability to a) spy on his brother's secretary, and b) kill drug dealers and steal their money. It was even less exciting than it sounds. 
  • Some dude just crashed his car into his dead brother, and the car split around him. Aaaaand Scully just found the dude's head in a garbage bin and it appears to have been used as a bowling ball. LOVELY. Ahahahahahaha, dead brother is a cyborg. OMFG. SCULLY AND T-1000 ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW MEN MADE OF METAL ONLY HAPPEN IN THE MOVIES. Brilliant. 
  • A fat man at an airport in India is being stalked by a beggar with no legs who's creepy as fuck. The fat man just gave him 50 pesos. IN INDIA... Wait. The beggar with no legs wore the fat man like a suit to get into America????? THAT IS HORRIFIC. And the fat man has now bled to death from his butthole. LOVELY. Ahahahahaha, Mike from Twishite is in this episode. Awesome. Apparently the beggar dude is going around killing people who are dicks. It's like one of the Trickster episodes of Supernatural, except WAY more terrifying/gross.
Source
  • Uh, Mulder is back and he's blowing people's brains out. Oh okay. T-1000 is investigating a case that Mulder investigated just before he disappeared. It's to do with an Indian folk legend wherein some creepy dude eats you alive, then pukes you back up, then you're cured of any diseases you might have. Mulder was trying to save himself from his brain condition thing, but saw the pain in the beastie's eyes and tried to kill it to save it from itself. Except apparently it's the Incredible Hulk and it can't die. T-1000 just got shot and the beastie ate him, and now he's having a "How the hell do I write up this case??" moment. DUH - "I got eaten. The end."
  • Mmmmm, electrocuted people on trains. LOVELY. Aaaaaaaaaaah, BOB KELSO!!! And Captain Gates from Castle. And Robert Stark from Life. Awesome. Eeeuw. Calcium based sea creature that grows through sweat and can electrocute you and burn off your skin. WHUT. 
  • Some poor woman just gave birth to an alien baby and then got murdered by her doctors. And now Scully is paranoid that SHE'S going to have an alien baby. Incidentally, despite the fact that six months have passed, Scully doesn't look pregnant AT ALL. Oh, now she's having Mulder flashbacks. Apparently HE FOUND HER OVA IN A SECRET GOVERNMENT LAB AND TOOK THEM TO A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. If that doesn't scream #secretsexytimes, I have no idea what does. Now Scully's at the most blindingly white doctor's office ever, and has stumbled into a room of foetuses in jars. AND YET SHE DOESN'T GO AND FIND A NEW DOCTOR. Flashback #2: she asked Mulder for his sperm. He said that he "wouldn't want this to come between us" (God, just have sex already!!) and then said yes. Yaaaaaay, Mulder baby!!! Oh God. Scully's only 14 weeks pregnant??? This is the longest year of EVER. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, ADAM BALDWIN!!! (aka Jayne from Firefly. I'm gonna call him Jayne because I have no idea what his character's name is) Flashback #3: Awww. Her Mulder baby didn't take. Now there's crying and hugging. "Never give up on a miracle". Yeah, Mulder. A #secretsexytimes miracle.
Honey. Find a new doctor. Also, source.
  • Scully's having nightmares about Mulder being experimented on, and is freaking out that he's dead. Now she's crying on Skinner's shoulder. Good GOD, people. Have some manager/employee boundaries!! Now there's some random FBI agent called Monica who thinks Mulder's joined a cult and just THINKS he's been abducted. Uh, whut. Oh. She gets "feelings" and believes in spiritual weirdness. Aaaaaand she has a past with T-1000. Awww. Scully carries round a really worn and folded picture of Mulder with her. Oh dear. Now they've found Mulder's dead body, and Scully is trying to chase a spaceship down on foot. She failed, and now she's screaming "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" at the sky. I'm sure it's meant to be serious, but it just comes across as hilarious. Aaaand to be continued. 
  • Awww. We open at Mulder's funeral. Scully is PROPER crying. Cut to three months later, and Scully is FINALLY looking pregnant. Wheeee, INSTA-BABY! Fisherman have just found Billy Miles' body in a fishing net. And now he's moving on the autopsy table, and there is serious grossness. As a result of Billy not being dead despite three months at sea, Skinner and T-1000 are digging up Mulder's body in the middle of the night. He's not dead! And it on a ventilator! And Scully's crying into his stomach. Uuuuuuuuuuuugh, Krycek is back. AGAIN. Oh dear. Mulder may be harbouring a virus that wants to turn him into an alien killing machine. But T-1000 saved him. Aaaaand now Mulder's awake, and Scully's crying and Mulder pretended to have amnesia because deep down, he's kind of a dick. 
STOMACH CRYING. Also, source.
  • Mulder appears - unsurprisingly - to have PTSD. But on the plus side, he's not dying of a brain thing any more. Scully, meanwhile, is a blimp and a half. Except that apparently she's not due for a couple of MONTHS. Ahahahaha - "Whoa. What's this? The hard drive is taking up a whole 10GB of memory!!". OH NO, NOT 10GB!! OMFG. The Lone Gunmen are Team #secretsexytimes - Langley just said to Mulder that they suspect his involvement in "a certain event *stares at Scully's pregnant belly*". Oh. And Jayne is an alien scumbag. Of course. 
  • Some dude just got fired, then saw a car crash, then a dude who was on fire climbed out of the crashed car and walked into his body. And now he's killed his boss. BEST. DAY. EVAH. Ugh, and Monica is back. Awww. Mulder just gave Scully a baby present and THERE IS A LOT OF FLIRTING GOING ON RIGHT NOW. I have no idea what the fire dude thing turned out to be, because I was distracted by Mulder being all belly-touchy and Scully grinning like an idiot. In other news, the present he gave her was a really creepy looking doll.
  • UGH. The black oil again. 
  • Eeeeeeuw, a giant worm beastie. T-1000 has a new partner because Scully's on maternity leave. She's blonde and peppy and I don't like her...WAIT. She's the accountant who processed all of Mulder and Scully's travel expenses. SHE'S A FANGIRL. Awesome. Sadly, her experience with the slime monster thing was enough that she wanted to go back to accounting. 
Peppy blonde fangirl. Also, source.
  • There is current sperm on the screen with a Mulder voiceover. Uh, EW. Apparently Scully is carrying a speeeeeeeeeecial baby. A human child with no human frailties. I have no effing clue what that means.  Okay, it's official. They've used the word "barren" FAR too many times in this episode. 
  • A METAL VERTEBRA FROM A DEAD BODY IS TURNING ITSELF INTO A SPINE. WHUT. Apparently Scully's chip was used to make her pregnant with an organic super soldier baby thing? Krycek just turned up and tried to kill Mulder. But Skinner killed Krycek instead. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, ABOUT FREAKING TIME TOO!!!!!!! Awww. Scully had the baby (with a TON of alien super soldier people standing around her...). Apparently a light led Mulder to the baby, and then the Lone Gunmen turned up with gifts. Oh JEEZ... AAAAAAAAAH!!!! She and Mulder are face-nomming. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. 
Source

Tune in next time for me doing a happy dance because season 9 means IT'S FINALLY OVER. 

K xx

6 comments:

  1. I'm with you on finishing tv series - it's also the same for starting them. i haven't been watching community because i wanted to start at the beginning - and he same with the office and parks and rec. le sigh.

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    1. I should probably give up when they get crap. I mean, there are so many other awesome things to dedicate my time to. But I never aw the ending the first time around, and I NEED to know what happens, dammit!

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  2. Kinda started to go downhill without Mulder. Season 9 was meh except for the last ep The Truth! Which by the way, I could never figure if it was actually out there...

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    1. I'm kind of excited to see the end! Hopefully, it will bring a sense of closure...

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  3. I think the creepy no-leg Indian dude is Deep Roy, the guy who played all the Oompa-loompas in the Johnny Depp re-make of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

    Yes, he is - I just checked. Also, you may be interested to know he was in 7 episodes of old-school Dr Who :-)

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    Replies
    1. Great. Now I'm going to be completely terrified any time I watch the Johnny Depp remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!! (Although to be fair, I'd probably have been terrified anyway because Johnny Depp is all kinds of creepy in that movie.......)

      One of these days, I really must get around to watching Classic Who. But I have no idea where to start!!

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