Monday, September 10, 2012

Movie Monday: The Whole Nine Yards

When I heard last week that Michael Clarke Duncan had passed away, I immediately knew that I needed to rewatch this week's movie. Okay, so it's partly because the only other movie I own with him in it is Armageddon (don't judge me - it's in a box set), and blurgh. But mostly because I love the crap out of The Whole Nine Yards, and Michael Clarke Duncan is awesome in it.

Reasons why The Whole Nine Yards is awesome:
1. Matthew Perry. Chandler was always my favourite on Friends, so it's perhaps not surprising that Matthew Perry tops the list of reasons why this movie is awesome for me. But he is fantastic as the dentist trapped in an unhappy marriage who accidentally finds himself involved with a bunch of hitmen.
2. The constant attempts at getting a hamburger without mayonnaise on it.
3. Bruce Willis. He's great as the hitman with morals who moves in next door.
4. Jill's fangirling when she meets Jimmy.
5. Rosanna Arquette as Oz's bitchy French Canadian wife.
6. Duct taping the dead guy's head to the dental x-ray machine.
7. Michael Clarke Duncan. He gets some truly spectacular lines, and generally gets to be a badass.
8. Beepers and pay phones. LOL FOREVER.
9. Amanda Peet as Oz's dental assistant with a secret desire to become a contract killer.
10. Telling Jimmy's entire backstory through a montage of newspaper headlines. It works perfectly, AND it's a great time saver! (And one of the photos of Bruce Willis that they use is from Die Hard 2. Ahahahaha)

11. Oz leaving for work and stopping every few metres to bash his head against the steering wheel.
12. Matthew Perry's facial expressions.
13. Oz's reaction when Jimmy's sitting in Frankie's hotel room with a gun.
14. When Jimmy tosses Oz a beer and it goes flying past him and into the river.
15. When Oz sits on the pile of tyres and they slowly collapse to one side.
16. Oz's reaction when he walks into his hotel room to find Frankie Figgs sitting there.
17. "They All Laughed" playing during the credits, accompanied by dorky dancing.
18. Oz attempting to look nonchalant when the police turn up at his office, and nearly tipping his chair over backwards.
19. The scene where Oz is trying to drill a patient's tooth, but his hand keeps shaking wildly.

Plus, the following quotes:
- "Every red blooded American knows, the only condiment you're supposed to put on a hamburger IS KETCHUP!!"
- "See you at your office." "Okay. Give me an hour. Oh, and don't forget the corpse!"
- "Yes, this is Doctor Oseransky in room 519. I'm going to need a bigger bottle of scotch."
- "He's a little upset. I've managed to upset a mass murderer..."
- "You like living in Canada?" "No, I... I live here with my wife."
- "Who are you going to believe? A contract killer or your wife??" "Do I have to answer that?"
- "You're a DENTIST?" "'Fraid so." "Are you suicidal?" "See, now, why would you ask that??"
- "You know, I can't think of nothing finer than a fine named woman holding a gun. And you just aaaaaaaall kinds of fine, ain't you?"
- "Why did you have to kill him??" "Well, I had to kill one of you..." "Then you definitely made the right decision!"
- "I would really hate to have to kill you. I'd hate it more than mayonnaise. And you know how much I hate mayonnaise."
- "You know what? I'm not gonna listen to this any more. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna go!"
- "By the way, I'd be happy to do your wife for you." "Do her?" "Tap her." "Tap her?" "Whack her." "Whack her??? Ohhhhh. Oh. See, I thought you meant, you know... *makes hammering motion* Because she told that, you, you know, hit on her." "*laughs hysterically*"
- "It's a little hard to maintain a friendship with someone who's trying to kill you."
- "Have you vomited recently?" "A minute ago, I was just going to brush my teeth..." "I'll wait."
- "Don't tell me. Let's go tell Janni." "Okay. You mind if I piss a little blood first?" "Please, by all means!"
- "I take it you're not Canadian?" "Only by marriage."
- "This has been good. I'm glad we got to know each other." "You know what? Me too." "You can go now."
- "You know, I got this same car." "Really?" "No."
- "This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic."
- "Aah, that's room service. Before I vomited, I ordered scotch."
- "I'm gonna keep the Coke and the fries, but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door."
- "The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder."
- "Dammit, Jimmy. Why the Hell did you have to go and move in next door to me?" "Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in this back yard? I've been here two days and I've got little tomato plants..." "OH. MY. GOD."

Okay, so I managed to make this way more about Matthew Perry than about Michael Clarke Duncan. But Matthew Perry DOES have a tendency to awkwardly steal the show in whatever he's in!

So. Thoughts? Also? If you haven't seen it, don't accidentally rent the sequel, The Whole Ten Yards, which was completely and utterly terrible. Don't say I didn't warn you...

K xx


  1. A) This movie is HILAR and I find it funnier every time I watch it and

    2. Normally when celebs die I'm all 'Oh, sad. Oh well.' but with MCD I am genuinely really rather sad. For more than five minutes. I may possibly have had an inappropriate crush. Just a tiny one. Why do I always find myself attracted to actors over forty? Is this something I need to investigate? Is it some kind of freudian thing that I should be worried about.

    Nah, screw it. Older men be hot, yo.

    1. a) YES. It really does get funnier every time.
      2. Jensen Ackles is under 40. So until ALL the celebrities you have inappropriate crushes on are middle aged men, it's totally fine! ;)

  2. LOL-ing at pretty much everything, but especially #13, and the last quote on your list. That may be my favorite exchange in the whole movie. I almost thought you were going to miss it!

    Unfortunately I only own this on VHS, and between the terrible state of both the tape and our VCR, it's kind of impossible to watch.

    1. This makes me sad for you. Hopefully you can find a copy on DVD for like $5 and relive the awesome all over again!!

      And the tomato plants line is one of my favourites too.

  3. I could watch old school Chandler (seasons 1-6) aaaaaall day, every day. Easy. Love him something fierce. Could I BE more of a Changirl? :P

    1. Seriously, I really need to get hold of all ten seasons of Friends and rewatch it, because I MISS CHANDLER SO MUCH.


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