Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Just stop already

Avast mateys! Did ye know it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day? We're devils, we're black sheep, we're really bad eggs, drink up me hearteys, yo ho!! Be ye talkin' like a pirate??

Okay, I'm done now. I can't keep up the pirate voice like I used to. MOVING ON...

You guys, I want you to meet the most infuriating member of my household. This?

Is Needy Plant, quite possibly the saddest looking house plant on the planet. And Needy Plant is also the bane of my existence.

Yeah, yeah, I know. First world problems and all that. But you guys? Needy Plant is SO FREAKING NEEDY. I watered him LESS THAN 48 HOURS before I took that photo. He's a bleeding Spathiphyllum!! They usually only need watering once a week at most. But Needy Plant? Nope. Every day and a half, his leaves start to droop and within 48 hours of watering, Needy Plant looks like he's on his last legs.

Yes, I anthropomorphised a houseplant. Deal with it.

In contrast, here's Needy Plant's next door neighbour.

Also a Spathiphyllum. Watered at the exact same time. Needy Plant has had TWO subsequent waterings, and this guy is still sitting there all "Water? Nope, I'm fine. Don't mind me, I'll just sit here converting carbon dioxide into oxygen. It's all good!!"

Incidentally, the only way to get Needy Plant to NOT require attention every 48 hours is to put him in the shower, and effectively make it rain for 20 minutes. At which point Needy Plant will go for about 72 HOURS before starting to get needy again. BUT the shower drain becomes clogged with dirt and plant matter, so it's not really a win overall.

And Needy Plant lives on the stairs, which means that I walk past Needy Plant about ten times a day, but never when I have a water carrying device with me. So I live in a constant state of "Uuuuugh, I should go downstairs and get the watering can to deal with Needy Plant. BUT I JUST GOT UP HERE. I'll use this empty drink bottle/bowl/Tupperware container instead." Turns out? It's kind of hard to carry a bowl of water half way down a flight of (carpeted) stairs and then tip it into a plant without spilling any.

The morals of this story?
1. Needy Plant is needy, yo.
2. I'm REALLY lazy.
3. I probably shouldn't write entire blog posts about anthropomorphised house plants...

Does your house have a Needy Plant? If so, I feel like there should be a support group or something. Alternatively, are you a plant whisperer and can you offer advice on how to deal with the whole Needy Plant situation??

K xx

19 comments:

  1. It's clearly a psychosomatic ailment on NP's part - driven, I've no doubt by resentment at your clear favouritism toward non-NP. NP knows the other is your favourite, so NP is determined to live down to your expectations, undoubtedly thinking the plant equivalent of "you'll be happy when I'm dead, I know that!"

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    1. I'm inclined to agree with you. My hatred of Needy Plant has reached completely irrational levels. But then it's not surprising when the combined needs of EVERY OTHER HOUSE PLANT WE OWN is still less than the needs of Needy Plant... Stupid Needy Plant...

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  2. Have you tried filling a nice looking bottle with water, putting a cap on it with some small holes in the lid and wacking it upside down in the soil? Drip feed the bugger!

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    1. Yeah, that's probably a sensible solution. I'm also considering just putting the bastard outside and letting him deal with the real world for a few weeks to see how he likes it. MWAHAHAHAHA. Maybe after a stint in the overnight cold, he won't be so whiny about his life.

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  3. I remember seeing TV ads for these plant watering contraptions that did basically what Ruby described. They looked like they were made of blown glass or something, so that even if it can't be hidden by the plant, it still looks decorative. I thought they looked really cool, and would have been tempted to try them, if I had any plants. But considering that Needy Plant looks pretty good compared to some that I've had over the years (at least he's still green!), I've kind of given up on them.

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    1. Hmmm, decorative drip water feeders sounds like an excellent idea! I might have to look into those...

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  4. All of my plants are needy plants. Oh wait, that's a lie. I'm just an awful plant mother. I'm only allowed cacti nowadays.

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    1. I really do think that succulents and cacti are the way to go. They look pretty and they don't piss you off on a daily basis asking for a drink!

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  5. Dear god I have a needy plant. I don't even like plants but in expecting a child in 3 months I'm determined to make this bastard live in hopes that it will make me a good mother lol.

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    1. Hahaha, I'm sure you'll be a great mother regardless of whether or not your Needy Plant survives!

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  6. Bahaha. Oh, goodness. I only have one plant in my house -- it's an orchid that Office Boy gave me when my roommate and I first moved in. My big sister basically said, "You're not gonna be able to keep that thing alive" because orchids tend to be somewhat finicky. Her husband gave her an orchid at one point and it died pretty quickly. But we've been in the apartment for a month now, and orchid is still alive and well. :)

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    1. We have an absolutely ENORMOUS orchid in our back garden. I think it depends on the type of orchid - some of them are really finicky, and others thrive on a lack of attention. Ours is the lack of attention kind. UNLIKE NEEDY PLANT. But still - kudos on keeping it alive against your sister's expectations!

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  7. I had a plant just like this that hung over my bed in a macrame (sp) basket when I was growing up. It was named Harriett. That plant always sagged like needy plant. I was actually surprised to see the pic of the healthy plant - didn't know they were supposed to look like that!

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    1. Huh, interesting. I've never heard of anyone putting a Spathiphyllum in a macrame basket. Here, it was always spider plants that got put into macrame because they hardly need any water and it pretty much takes a nuclear explosion to kill them. But I'm still thrilled that Needy Plant isn't the only one of his kind - it reassures me that it's not something I'VE done that's causing him to act that way!

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  8. I had a plant just like this that hung over my bed in a macrame (sp) basket when I was growing up. It was named Harriett. That plant always sagged like needy plant. I was actually surprised to see the pic of the healthy plant - didn't know they were supposed to look like that!

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  9. I unintentionally appointed myself as official plant waterer of my supervisor's plants. Whose office is in a different building than mine across campus. All because I took a slight interest in one of them that was on his desk and looked like it hadn't been watered in months and I happened to have water in my coffee mug that day. Now when his plants look dry he IMs to let me know. I did however get to name one of them and I feel that this makes me a more valuable employee than the others.

    Maybe you should just put needy plant out of its misery.

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    1. You know, I'd look on your official plant waterer status as a definite plus. Because that gives you a legitimate reason to disappear from the office for a chunk of time every week or so!! ;)

      And I would LOVE to put Needy Plant out of his misery. Sadly, my mum seems to be quite attached to him...

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  10. Man, Needy Plant is one needy sonofabitch!

    I, myself, am a(n inadvertent) plant killer because I am also lazy, and I'm not really a...plant person. I love plants out in nature, but I'm an irresponsible at-home-plant carer. Bah!

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    1. I'm pretty much only cut out for succulents. Anything that requires me to water it more than once a fortnight? NOPE, SORRY. Not gonna happen. Much like me and housework - "Ugh, the floor needs vacuuming AGAIN? But I just did it like ten days ago!!" Yeah. I'm a failure of an adult.

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