Friday, September 7, 2012

It's okay, my ass broke the fall

So. The X-Files season 7. Otherwise known as the season where I finally go crazy and start cackling hysterically at random intervals and then have a case of word vomit... WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! 

File under "Things that happen in season 7". Also, source.

On with the thoughts!
  • Scully is camping on an African beach in the world's most enormous tent. It's positively Potteresque. Giant bugs everywhere - NYARGH.  Mulder's still in the mental asylum. SNORE. Skinner and some dude are testing Mulder for psychic ability. It's like Ghostbusters, only less funny. Some crazy white dude killed his driver with a machete, and is now convinced that he's been brought back to life by the spaceship. Nope. He's just zombified and pissed as hell. The crazy white dude is found dead on the beach, and we get a TO BE CONTINUED.
  • Now we're in Mulder's mind. He's sitting on a beach. Back in the real world, Cigarette Smoking Man is visiting. And he's injecting something into Mulder's brain. GROSS. And now CSM is doing a Jesus heals the lame routine. It's incredibly weird. Aaaaaand CSM is now channelling Darth Vader - "Fox, I am your father". GOOD GRIEF. Apparently Mulder can't contact Scully because he's going into some kind of witness protection? Oh. And Deep Throat is in his new kitchen, so obviously Mulder is hallucinating. Lame. Mimi Rogers just told Mulder he won't know what commitment is until he's a father. WHUT. I AM SO CONFUSED. This episode is a giant ball of WTFery. In reality, Mulder is unconscious and chained to a gurney thing while CSM and Mimi Rogers look on. Apparently Mulder is the key to everyone surviving the alien apocalypse. Or something? Now they're doing some kind of weird ass medical procedure to transfer genetic material from him to CSM?? SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS EPISODE?!?!?!?!? Someone has left Scully a mysterious swipe card to the Department of Defence. So it's Scully to the rescue. Except that her version of rescue is crying on Mulder until he regains consciousness, and then hugging him. One week later, Mulder's sporting a stylish bandage and all is back to normal. Except Scully is crying more often. Awwwwww, apparently they're each other's touchstones. #SECRETSEXYTIMES There's a lot of face touching going on right now. SO MANY #SECRETSEXYTIMES
Best. Rescue. Ever. Also, source.
  • This is like something out of Buffy. Yup. Definitely like the episode in season 6 where Buffy's working at the Double Meat Palace and people keep disappearing. Hahahaha, brain eating beastie who's using a self help video. AMAZING. Wow. This is almost EXACTLY like that episode of Buffy. Except with less silly hats. AHAHAHAHAHA, his ear fell off. And now he's at Overeaters Anonymous. LOL FOREVER. Awww. Suicide by cop. Shame - he was entertaining. 
  • Oh, hey - it's a crossover episode with a show I never watched (Millennium)! This won't be confusing at all. Uh. Some dude is getting naked and undressing a corpse. WTF. And now the corpse has been buried, but is phoning the guy? I'm confused. You know, just for a change. Scully's pushing for grave robbing, Mulder thinks it's necromancy. But no. Zombies. And Y2K. Awesome... Oh, and protective salt circles. HI SAM AND DEAN. "Nobody likes a math geek, Scully." SCULLY JUST GOT ATTACKED BY A ZOMBIE. OMG. And now Mulder is in a basement full of zombies. Good thing he had a pocket full of salt for some bizarre reason... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, KISSING FOR NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Followed by Mulder saying "Well, the world didn't end." Definitely in reference to New Year AND the kissing. I am fangirling SO HARD.
In which there is face nomming. Also, source.
  • OMG, Will Krudski from Dawson's Creek!!!! And he's being accused of murdering a sheriff's deputy. Poor Will. "Okay, bear with us because we're old and stupid" Ahahahaha, oh Mulder... MEG FROM SUPERNATURAL. This dude can either teleport or has super speed. I suspect super speed. Ew. He just crushed a teacher with a table and then impaled him with a chair. Gag. Um. So apparently the super speed is coming from a shaft of sunlight in a cave??? WTF. Okay, who ARE all these people who hide incriminating evidence in their bedrooms?? Especially if you have super speed. Run to the other side of town, throw it in a rubbish bin, and you're done! MORONS.
  • Hey, it's Carrie Bradshaw's gay best friend whose name I can never remember! And he's playing poker with mob looking dudes. And Ranjeet from How I Met Your Mother!! Oh dear, they threw him off the roof. But he's not dead! Back to Mulder and Scully - FLIRTY FLIRTY FLIRTINESS #secretsexytimes. Ahahaha, some woman just asked Mulder to fix the tap in her kitchen. He turned it the wrong way, and got drenched. Scully has "I WANT TO LOL BUT I CAN'T" face. And then Mulder fell through the floor. Uh. Some hitman just tried to shoot Carrie's Gay Best Friend and ended up hanging from the ceiling fan by his ankle. And dead. WTF. Apparently this guy is super lucky. It's kind of like the episode of Supernatural with the magic rabbit's foot... 
  • OH GOD, IT'S THE CREEPY FINGER-CUTTING-OFF DUDE FROM SEASON 2... Now creepy guy has escaped and Scully's having a wiggens. A crazy preacher guy is hypnotising people to help prisoners escape?? WTF. Huh. Priest isn't actually a priest. He's a first degree murderer and he gets the really bad people out of prison so he can kill them. ARGH FINGER CUTTING OFF DUDE'S IN SCULLY'S APARTMENT. Scully is kicking his arse. He tied her up and went to get a finger chopping implement, but she's basically escaped and now Mulder's turned up to save her even though she's totally a self rescuing princess. AAAAND now Scully's killed him. EXCELLENT. Mulder has his "OH GOD NOT AGAIN, I CAN'T LOSE HER" decision making face on. 
  • Ew. A magician turned his head around 360 degrees for a trick, and then ended up getting decapitated. Weeeeeeird. Oh. It turns out the REAL magician found his twin brother dead, and decided to pretend to be his brother while faking his own death to get out of paying back a loan shark. And also steal a bunch of money using Mulder's ID number and fingerprint? Good thing Mulder worked it out. For an episode about magic, it was surprisingly dull... 
  • Okay, crazy religious people playing with snakes. This should be fun. Scully: "This is totally religion based. Here's a spiel about snakes." Mulder: "*through facial expressions* THAT WAS SO HOT. CAN WE HAVE #SECRETSEXYTIMES NOW??" Wait. Some guy who died at the start of the episode was infertile, but his girlfriend is preggers? Awkward turtle. OH GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSS. The father of the baby is the girlfriend's father *double gag forever* SHE IS GIVING BIRTH TO SNAKES. MOTHER FUCKING SNAKES. I am literally about to throw up right now. Mulder just got bitten by a snake. So obviously, Scully is undressing him. Aaaand it just stuttered to an end. Colour me confused. 
Lucky for you, there are no "giving birth to snakes" photos. Have a Mulder
channelling Indiana Jones instead! Source.
  • So my first problem with this episode is that I keep hearing this kid's name (Amber Lynn) as Anne Boleyn. She's been kidnapped, her mum wrote the ransom note in a trance, and her dad hallucinated that she's dead. HI, CONFUSION. Welcome back. Mulder's mum just phoned and was all "So, you're working on that abducted kid case huh? CALL ME WHEN YOU GET HOME". Random... SKINNER IS USING AN OVERHEAD PROJECTOR. AHAHAHAHAHA.  Uh. Now Mulder's mum is burning photos of Samantha and has killed herself. Mulder thinks it's staged and he wants Scully to do an autopsy. And now he's crying and she's doing the bicep touching thing. And there is much hugging. Scully is staying at Mulder's. I call #comfortingsexytimes. Apparently the kidnapper works at Santa's North Pole Village. Oh God, so many tiny little graves. Aaaaaaaaaand to be continued. UGH.
  • SO MANY TINY CORPSES *shudder* CREEPY CHILD GHOSTS CLIMBING OUT OF THEIR GRAVES. This is giving me the wiggens. Some police psychic is claiming they were taken away by starlight. WHUT. He's claiming there's a 'visitor' in Mulder's room and that they want to say something. Oh, it's Mulder's mum. Mulder has "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU" face. Except that Dead Mommy's Ghost is behind Mulder. Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy. Okay, so. Samantha was taken by Cigarette Smoking Man, and had her memories taken, and lived as his daughter for a bunch of years. Then she ran away, and ended up in hospital. The nurse who treated her had the same dead kid vision as Anne Boleyn Amber Lynn's dad, and Samantha was never seen again. A ghost kid just led Mulder to a whole bunch of ghost kids playing. One is Anne Boleyn Amber Lynn, and another is Samantha, who's hugging him. He has closure - FIIIIIIIIIIINALLY.
  • Ahahahahaha, Cops meets The X-Files. WHUT. And now there's an invisible beastie that may or may not be a werewolf. Now a police sketch artist has been attacked by the beastie, but the suspect is apparently Freddie Kreuger. The original cop thought he saw a wasp man. WTF is this episode?! Oh, there's a chain of attacks from people who've had contact with it? According to Mulder, it boils down to mortal fear. Uh, sure... 
This is the dude who gets attacked by a wasp man. Source.
  • A whole bunch of super geeks are playing...paintball? Airsoft? Some kind of virtual reality thing? I have no idea. Now there's a woman wearing a dominatrix outfit? Who shot the last remaining nerd. I am so confused about the point of this. Mulder and Scully have been called in for some reason that is unclear. The Lone Gunmen are there too. Okay. The guy who got shot by the dominatrix woman is ACTUALLY dead, not just dead in the game dead. Uh. Now some whizkid who's contracted to the CIA has turned up to go into the game and kill the ninja lady. The ninja lady SLICED HIS FUCKING HANDS OFF. And then his head. WTF. Looks like Scully has another autopsy to do! The police have picked up a suspect matching the dominatrix woman description. HER NAME IS JADE BLUE AFTERGLOW. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. And she just made a Xena joke. Oh, the 90s... Somehow, Mulder's trapped in the game. Wait. The girl programmer created the crazy ninja lady for her own game, and she jumped games and is feeding off male aggression. WTF. Frohike: "Mulder's vitals are wiggy". WHEDONISMS!! AHAHAHAHAHA, now Scully has entered the game to kick some psycho ninja girl butt. Awesome. Girl programmer killed the game and saved Mulder and Scully. But the game brought itself back to life at the end.
  • Oooooh, voodoo. Or hoodoo? Something with poppets, anyway. Some guy has been garrotted and the word 'theef' is scrawled on the wall in blood. It's possible I shouldn't be watching this at 11.30pm.  Scully's all "WHY IS THIS AN X-FILE?!?!?!". Mulder's telling her that the dirt man in the bed is hexcraft. It's all centred on a doctor's family. Apparently the dirt people keep finding in their beds is goofer dust. God, Kim Manners really DID use this as a source for all of SupernaturalOH MY GOD, RICHARD CAMERON FROM DEAD POETS SOCIETY JUST TURNED UP AS A MED STUDENT. Bad guy put the poppet of the mum in the microwave. She's currently having an MRI. Aaaaaaand she's been burned to a crisp. Gross. Doctor of the year 'killed' bad guy's daughter - she was in a bus crash the year before, and died at the hospital under his care.  Oh, gross. He has his daughter's corpse IN HIS BED. Whose genius idea was it to take the doctor and his daughter to a cabin in the woods??? Uh oh. Bad buy followed them and has stolen Scully's ID to use in a poppet. Which he's binding with his dead daughter's hair. GROSSSSSSSSSSS. Scully's now gone blind, Cordelia style. But she still managed to save the day again, because she's AWESOME.  
Creepy poppet making dude. Also, source.
  • Some kid with cancer was denied medical treatment but apparently healed by angels. This entire episode just turned into a "Cigarette Smoking Man needs Scully's help" thing. Scully's wearing a wire, which resulted in a gratuitous super close-up of her bra. Uh. Now it seems that CSM is trying to play matchmaker between Mulder and Scully? WTF. Ew. CSM undressed Scully while she was asleep, and now he's bought her a slinky cocktail dress. Grooooooooooooooooss. And the dress is Boob Central. Apparently what they're going to be given by CSM's contact is the cure to all human disease. Contact guy gave her MINI DISCS. Which were blank. Apparently the whole thing was a scam, using Scully to get the science on the discs to save himself. What a pointless episode.
  • Some woman just got attacked by a weird hulk monster thing and is now missing. Her husband found birth control pills, so thinks his wife was having an affair because he's had a vasectomy. He also found an old key in the pocket of her favourite jacket, so thinks she's with the other guy. Ew. Now there are ravens eating a dead body in the front yard. Guess she's not with the other guy! Now her best friend has found a key under the sofa, and a raven in her house. Oh, and the beastie is chasing her and her baby. But it's okay - her husband came home and now Mulder is fingerprinting the house. Wait. Mulder stayed with them and now the wife is grilling him about his love life over breakfast. AHAHA.  Dead woman was 4 weeks pregnant. BIRTH CONTROL FAIL. HUH. Apparently it was the best friend doing some kind of Jekyll and Hyde deal where she was trying to protect her family. WTF.
Who doesn't love being grilled about their relationship status over
breakfast with a complete stranger?? Source.
  • Wait. WAIT WAIT WAIT. Scully just got dressed in the dark, leaving Mulder NAKED AND ASLEEP. ARE WE FINALLY GETTING THE REVEAL ON THE #SECRETSEXYTIMES??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! 63 hours earlier, Mulder and Scully are arguing about whether someone drowned in ectoplasm or margarita mix.Ahahaha. Mulder's going to England to look at crop circles. I kind of hope the TARDIS turns up. Scully runs into an Old Flame/Teacher, and has a millionty deep and meaningfuls. SNORE. Oh, now Scully's having an epiphany in a Buddhist temple. OF COURSE. Mulder's back, having found no crop circles. He's kind of pissed that Scully got all believe-y when he left the country.She wonders what she's missed, not being with Old Flame, and then wonders what if there was only ever one choice and all the signs led to this particular moment. And then she falls asleep on Mulder's shoulder. He wraps her in a blanket and goes to bed. Alone. THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR HOW DISAPPOINTED I AM RIGHT NOW. 
  • Ew. People are having their faces eaten off by tobacco beetles. Apparently you shouldn't smoke experimental genetically modified cigarettes because you'll end up with beetles growing in your lungs. There is an awful lot of gross involved in this episode... The highlight was Mulder making a Hotel California joke. 
  • Ahahaha, a movie version of The X-Files. With sniper zombies. AMAZING. Wait. Is that Tea Leoni playing Scully? ZOMG IT IS. Onscreen Mulder and Scully are getting it on. IRL Mulder is face palming. Ahahaha, Skinner has a friend who's a script writer and wants to make an FBI based movie. It's like Castle, only not. "Scully, do you read Greek?" "My Greek is pretty rusty, but this looks like a gospel of the life of Christ written by Mary Magdalene." Uh, yeah. Because  you could work that out with a rusty knowledge of Greek... I love that they're on vacation and they're still wearing suits. Ahahaha, Mulder is flirting with Tea Leoni, and Scully has WTF face. Mulder and Scully are talking on the phone while sitting in the bath. LOL. And now Mulder's on the phone to Skinner, who's also in the bath. It's hilarious and kind of creepy. And now there's a Mean Girls call waiting drama going on. LOL FOREVER. OMG. Apparently Movie Skinner has a bigger flashlight than Movie Mulder. IRL Mulder stored out in a huff. I AM DYING. Skinner has given them an FBI credit card for the evening, and Scully is giggling and doing the bicep grab thing. I call #secretsexytimes
LOL FOREVER. Also, source.
  • KATHY GRIFFIN???? Multiple Kathy Griffins. Oh God. What a horrifying concept. And now there are Mormon missionaries fighting on her doorstep. This episode is ALL kinds of bonkers.  OMG Mulder just got sucked into a man hole. AHAHAHAHAHA. Apparently when the multiple Kathy Griffins end up in the same place, people get angry and start brawling. Uh, okay?
  • Ahahahahaha, Marshall from Alias!!! And he found a genie wrapped up in a carpet, and then his boss's mouth disappeared. Ahahahaha, he wants to turn invisible at will. Except that he can't see himself to know where he's going so he keeps walking into stuff. Aaaaaaaaand he just got hit by a truck. And then a bike ran over his invisible dead body. And now Scully is supposed to do an autopsy on it. THIS IS AMAZING. Now she's making him visible with yellow fingerprint powder and she looks like she's having a total blast. Now Mulder and Marshall's brother are singing the theme from I Dream of JeannieApparently the genie helped Mussolini and Richard Nixon. LOL. Now the brother has the genie. And Marshall's body has disappeared. Aaaaand Marshall is a zombie. Ahahaha. He's about to light the oven to warm himself up, but he put the gas on ages ago, so now the house is about to blow up. Yup, house blew up. Oh God. Now Mulder has the genie. He's all excited and Scully's all "Oh JEEZ..." Mulder just wishes for peace on earth. Which made all the people disappear. WHOOPS!! Ahaha, she brought them all back and now he's ranting about her being a bitch in a big meeting of Skinner's. LOL FOREVER. Hmm. He used his third wish on something off screen and now he and Scully are drinking beer and eating popcorn and watching Caddyshack. Is this his wish??? Awwww. Nope. He made the genie human again. Bless... 
  • Ooooh, time is spinning wildly out of control. And a deputy's eyes are blistering. And the green goo is back. Wait. Is all of this taking place in the same town as the pilot??? Mulder's under evaluation for spending too much government money. He just suggested that he and Scully start sharing rooms #SECRETSEXYTIMES. Oh no. Not Krycek again.OH MY GOD, IT'S FINCH FROM AMERICAN PIE. And yes. It *IS* the same town as the pilot! Awww. The X Mulder spray painted on the road seven years ago is still there. Scully's being all clucky over a baby, and Mulder has a "I should get her pregnant" expression going on. Scully's feeling sick, so has gone to Mulder for help. And now they're snuggling. Aww. He blames himself for taking away her chance at a husband and a family. And now she's crying. And now there's face touching. OH MY GOD, JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY. Ugh, Krycek's in town. Apparently God is an alien. LOL. Now Scully's stuck in the time sucky thing. She thinks she just passed out. There's more hugging and face touching. Back in Washington, Skinner's disappointed that Mulder went to Oregon against permission. Mulder won't let Scully go back to Oregon because he doesn't want to lose her (they're taking abductees). More hugging. She won't let him go alone. Which is code for "Please take Skinner with you." OH NO. All the missing kids had the same brain shit that Mulder had at the start of the season, so it's actually HIM that the aliens want. NO, MULDER. DON'T WALK TOWARDS THE GROUP OF ABDUCTEES IN THE LIGHT, YOU NUMPTY. And now they're all vanishing in a bright light and Skinner's all "OH FUCK, SPACE SHIP. Double fuck, Scully's going to be SUPER pissed.". OMG. Krycek just threw Cigarette Smoking Man down a flight of stairs and he's dead. Skinner's going to visit Scully in hospital. Now they're both crying. And Skinner has a really awkward cry face. Scully's all "MY MULDER IS GONE, WAAAAAAAAAAH. Oh and bee tee dubs, I'm up the duff." HA, SECRET SEXY TIMES.  
I apologise for my total word vomit thoughts on the season finale. Or, you know, ALL the episodes. But they were warranted! 

K xx

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