ANYWAY. I feel the need to mention at this point that between seasons 5 and 6 comes The X-Files: Fight the Future. I did NOT bother to rewatch it, because it can be summed up as "Mulder and Scully nearly indulge in some face nomming, but then she gets stung by a bee and they go to Antarctica". BAM. You're welcome for that most excellent synopsis of a two hour movie...
|Literally the only interesting scene in the movie. Seconds before a bee cockblocks them. Source.|
Right. On with the show!
- WTF. Some guy's skin is turning see-through, and now a beastie's done an Alien "through the stomach" appearance and is eating people. Gross. Now Mulder and Scully are facing a review panel that includes Nina from Just Shoot Me. And Cigarette Smoking Man is doing brain surgery on the psychic chess kid from last time. Aaaaaaaand there's an alien hiding in the Phoenix water system. Watch out, Gina!
- Urgh, car chases and exploding heads. What the hell is going on here??? Oh. Some kind of power surge from secret government radio equipment that messed up people's inner ears and built up pressure in their skulls. Eh, any excuse to have the father from Malcolm in the Middle holding Mulder at gunpoint! OOH. Their new boss is Dr. Webber from Grey's Anatomy. He's kind of an asshat.
- Hmm, Bermuda Triangle. I'm surprised it's taken them this long to cover it. Mulder appears to have stumbled into World War II. Awesome. This is like an episode of Fringe! Ahahaha, Skinner and Cigarette Smoking Man are Nazis, Scully is a sassy American cruise ship passenger, and Dr. Webber is JAMAICAN. Aaaaaah, Mulder just kissed 1939 Scully! Who punched him. WIN. Also, #timeywimeysecretsexytimes.
|Amazingness. Also, source.|
- Huh. Weird body swap episode. Scully is clearly a moron for not being able to work out that her partner of SIX YEARS isn't actually Mulder when he starts acting the opposite of usual. And Mulder-in-other-guy's-body is a moron because he can't think of ANYTHING that would make Scully believe his body swap story. WTF??
- Body swap, part 2. Scully's been suspended for two weeks, and Other-guy-in-Mulder's-body is hitting on her. Hahahaha, his plans were foiled by the fact that Mulder's bedroom is full of storage boxes. Oh, wait. He's bought all new furniture, including a water bed and a mirror for the ceiling. CLASSY. And now he's getting Scully drunk. Oh, thank God. She worked it out, and is off to find Mulder-in-other-guy's-body. He might be trapped that way, and she's mopey #secretsexytimes. Oh. Time healed itself, so it's like nothing happened, and no one remembers anything. But Mulder's apartment still has the ugly furniture. Uh, OKAY, STEVEN MOFFAT PLOT LINE.
|This is Other-guy-in-Mulder's-body trying to seduce Scully with his|
super hot new waterbed. Source
- Mulder's trying to convince Scully to stake out a creepy abandoned house on Christmas Eve. Aaaaand now they've been trapped inside by ghosts. The whole thing is like A Christmas Carol meets Death Becomes Her... Awww. Scully went to spend Christmas with Mulder because she knew the real reason for the stakeout was that he was sad and lonely...
- WTF. Satan just stole some pregnant woman's baby. And her husband may or may not be Satan. Oh. He's not Satan. He's just a soul-sucking demon with multiple wives. OF COURSE HE IS.
|Seriously, this happens. Also, source.|
- So some woman appears to make it rain when she cries. Wait. Now her douchey boyfriend has the power to make it rain? Nope, back to her again. CONFUSED. Ahahaha, a cow just got sucked up by a tornado and fell through the ceiling of Mulder's motel room, so now he has to share a room with Scully. #secretsexytimes Oh. It's not the woman. It's the local meteorologist. BUT OF COURSE. Ahahaha, this whole episode just turned into "Everyone make fun of Mulder's lack of a love life".
- Oh dear, Skinner appears to be dead. Ugh, it's a "48 hours earlier" deal, so now Skinner's fine and some other dude is sick with the same thing. It appears to be some kind of coagulating blood deal? Nope, poison by pure carbon. Aaaaand back in the present, Skinner's not dead. Just dead for a little while dead. And being blackmailed by Krycek. WTF.
- Creepy old dude can predict when people are going to die, and takes photos of the moment of death. Uh, ew? Aaaaaaaaah, Scully's working with Pete from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place in this episode. AMAZING. Okay, the creepy old dude? Is a millionty years old and can't die, but wants to see Death. Hence the photo taking. Oh, and to top it all off, Scully nearly died AGAIN. Add that to the stuff to tell your future therapist, Dana...
|Seriously. How is she not in the foetal position with PTSD by now?? Source|
- Aww, gross. The guys with no eyes are back. As is Agent Spender's mum. And Cigarette Smoking Man is killing people. SNORE. Ooooooh, Cigarette Smoking Man's name is C.G.B. Spender and he's Agent Spender's dad. GASP. That explains why he's an asshat!
- Part 2 of Spender's mum is back. Mulder's about to kill her at her own request. Nope, interrupted by a HAZMAT SWAT team from the CDC, led by Mimi Rogers. Ugh, apparently this whole thing is to do with the alien colonisation of Earth. LAAAAAAAAAME. Hahahaha, I love it when Cigarette Smoking Man's Canadian accent comes through. Apparently there's an OOTbreak of alien disease. Spender is petitioning Dr. Webber to have Mulder and Scully put back on the X-Files. Hurrah! WAIT. WTF. Cigarette Smoking Man just SHOT SPENDER IN THE FACE. Is that any way to treat your own son??????
- Eeeeeeeuw, giant jellyfish tentacles coming out of the drains in South Florida. AND IT'S DISSOLVING PEOPLE. Lor, where the fuck do you live????? O.o Oh. Apparently it can be killed by fresh water. Lame?
|Yup. It dissolved a dude while he was ON THE TOILET. You're welcome for |
those nightmares.......... Source.
- WTF. A bank just got blown up with Mulder and Scully inside it. Oh. It's like a Groundhog Day thing where they die over and over again until they get it right. Like Supernatural's Mystery Spot, except less awesome.
- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Mulder and Scully are undercover as a married couple. Mulder just asked Scully if she wants to make the honeymoon video yet #secretsexytimes. Aaaand now she's wearing a facial masque thing, and he freaked out. LOL FOREVER. Aaaand the beastie of the week is a tulpa, just like in Supernatural's Hell House, only made of garbage?? This episode is made of pure, unadulterated amazing.
|Actual quotes. Guess which line is Scully's? Also, source|
- Uh. Now there's a wolf with glowing red eyes that's going around killing people. Except it's not a wolf? It's a thing that can disguise itself as a dog. Oh. Nope. It's a PERSON. Of course it is...
- Ew. Some prison warden got his middle burnt out. Scully just suggested spontaneous human combustion, and Mulder is grinning with pride. So apparently there's some escaped felon who can pass through anything that's not glass and who can turn stuff to charcoal? WTF.
- What in the actual fuck - some guy just pulled out his own heart, but is still walking around after throwing his heart in the fire. Oh. He's Mulder's new neighbour and he thinks Scully's hot. THAT'S going to end well. Ahahahaha, now Creepy Heartless Neighbour is telling Scully that she has "muscular calves", and she has "WTF, WEIRDO" face. WAIT. Creepy Heartless Neighbour is a writer, and it's his CHARACTER that's killing people???? And now the character is trying to rip out Scully's heart. Dana, honey, send the therapy bill to Chris Carter...
|This is her reaction when told she has muscular calves. Also, source.|
- Oh good. A 1940s flashback thing again. This one involves baseball playing aliens... Mulder just tried to steal a bite of Scully's icecream cone. There was some wrestling involved #secretsexytimes. Huh. Apparently all the best baseball players are aliens. WHO KNEW??? And now Mulder's teaching Scully to play baseball, which seems like a giant excuse to get all snuggly and grind his hips against her... #SOMANYSECRETSEXYTIMES
- The Lone Gunmen are gatecrashing a defence convention in Vegas. This is going to end GREAT. They've convinced Scully to come and help them by getting a computer to simulate Mulder's voice. Except now the CIA have drugged Scully, and she's acting hilariously crazy. Awesome.
|THINGS THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Also, source.|
- Hmmm, people are having hallucinations about melting into yellow goo, and then going missing. Um. Missing for three days and they're now skeletons? WTF. THERE IS NOW AN ALIEN IN MULDER'S APARTMENT. Oh wait. He's hallucinating too. Awesome. And now they've found Mulder's skeleton and Scully is crying. Nope, she's joined the hallucination train. Oh, and apparently they were being eaten by a giant mushroom that gives you hallucinations while it's eating you? WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.
- Haha, a mysterious object washed up on the coast of Africa and sliced the Bible in half. What. And the mysterious object makes Mulder's ears ring. Oh good. He's gone crazy and is in a psych ward. And Scully's in Cote d'Ivoire, and just found a freaking SPACESHIP on the beach. Aaaaaaaand cliffhanger ending...
Well. That was a great big pile of what the fuck... At least there was no "My sister got abducted by aliens. OR DID SHE???" nonsense this season? I've yet to start season 7, because I've been sucked into the world of Community (thanks primarily to Kim!). It's probably for the best - I definitely have X-Files fatigue, so I can't imagine how you guys feel about it!!!
Okay, it's voting time! Which plot line from this season is more insane: giant mushrooms that eat you? Or "That Satan stole my baby"??