The Spanish Film Festival is on in Melbourne at the moment, and one of my uni peeps was desperate to go. And so this morning - at stupid o'clock for a Saturday - we went to see El Capitan Trueno y el Santo Grial, or Captain Thunder and the Holy Grail.
Here, watch the trailer.
Doesn't look that bad, right? Filled with action, and kind of funny? Yeah, no. It was... It was like Prince of Persia, Hocus Pocus, Princess Bride, Doctor Who and Eurovision had a baby. It's apparently based on a series of Spanish comic books from the 1950s, which kind of explains a lot. Let me see if I can try and give you an overview of the plot without my head exploding...
|"Tell me the secret to life, Magic Cup?" Also, source.|
Back at the crusader camp, King Richard (of Spain?!) tells Captain
Back in Spain, they find a bunch of people buried up to their necks, making a nice little path of heads sticking out of the ground. Turns out one is still alive. They rescue him and cart him back to his village, where he tells them that there are bad people from England living in a castle in the mountains, effectively using all the peasants as slaves and that there's no way out.
|Pretty much exactly a scene, but with different actors and more midriffs. Also, source.|
Blah blah, a wizard breaks Captain
Unbeknownst to her, all she's done is stab the book the wizard was carrying around, and give Captain
The witch and Jonathon Black conduct a creepy ritual designed to bring Satan back to earth (I think?), which makes a pentagram appear on the moon when it passes in front of the sun, causing a beam of light to fire down into the holy grail (I think this was about the point where Doug and I lost our shit and started giggling hysterically). Captain
|What the Doctor said. Source|
Um. Let's look at a list of problems I had with this:
1. THE ACTING. Oh my God, was it terrible. ESPECIALLY from Viking Princess Girl.
2. Captain Thunder was like a cross between Captain Hammer (you may have picked up on that already...), Kelso from That 70s Show, and Kevin Sorbo as Hercules. He's meant to be this big, brave hero dude, but he just gave off the impression of being thick as a block of concrete.
3. Crispin, one of the sidekicks, sports a peroxide job worthy of Paris Hilton.
4. The other sidekick, Goliath, is basically the troll in the dungeon from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. He just wanders around the place, eating and bashing people on the head with a club.
5. Good Lord, Viking Princess Girl, PUT YOUR BOOBS AWAY. I guess the comic book artists are really the ones responsible for this, but seriously. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd hadn't had any feeling left in her boobs by the end of filming, thanks to her uber-corset. She also seemed to be channelling Angelina Jolie at this year's Oscars, as she had a hip-high slit in her dress, and kept sticking her leg out of it as often as possible.
|Boobs Legsly, someone is challenging you.|
7. There seem to be a lot of animals from Central and South America involved - big ass pythons, chameleons etc. Nearly 300 years before the Americas were discovered. Uh, SURE.
8. The song that played over the end credits was truly worthy of Eurovision. I don't remember the exact lyrics (well, what the subtitles said the lyrics were, anyway), but they were HILARIOUSLY AWFUL.
9. Evil Witch Lady had three skank bot minions who danced around her, "helping" with spells. But in reality, they were just an excuse to dress some girls up in black leather with their midriffs showing. And they pretty much reminded me of the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. Also, Evil Witch Lady had this thing on her chin that looked like a goatee. So that was weird.
10. It was an epic cheese fest.
11. This one isn't really a problem, so much as the fact that 90% of the Spanish I've heard spoken is Latin American Spanish. So whenever they said gracias as "grathiath" or generally any word with an S sound in it, I sniggered. Lisping is funny, yo.
And of course, when I got home, I checked it out on IMDB to find that it has a whopping 3.3/10 rating. At least we're students and we got cheap tickets?
So. Have you seen any truly terrible films recently (foreign or otherwise!)???