Saturday, July 7, 2012

Yeah, no...

So from time to time, I come across a truly spectacular movie that I feel the need to share with you guys pretty much immediately, rather than waiting for Monday to roll around. The last time this happened was waaaaaaay back here. This morning, I came across another one.

The Spanish Film Festival is on in Melbourne at the moment, and one of my uni peeps was desperate to go. And so this morning - at stupid o'clock for a Saturday - we went to see El Capitan Trueno y el Santo Grial, or Captain Thunder and the Holy Grail.

Here, watch the trailer.


Doesn't look that bad, right? Filled with action, and kind of funny? Yeah, no. It was... It was like Prince of Persia, Hocus Pocus, Princess Bride, Doctor Who and Eurovision had a baby. It's apparently based on a series of Spanish comic books from the 1950s, which kind of explains a lot. Let me see if I can try and give you an overview of the plot without my head exploding...

So. Captain Hammer Thunder is a twelfth century Crusader in the Holy Land. He attacks a fortress to save his...sidekicks? Minions??...and in doing so rescues a bunch of Christian prisoners. One of them recognises a scar on his neck, gives him the holy grail, and tells him to take it to Spain and give it to the mystical knights who protect it. Thunder's all "Uh huh, whatevs".
"Tell me the secret to life, Magic Cup?" Also, source.
He then rescues(?) a Viking princess named Sigrid, who seems to be doing pretty well at rescuing herself. #selfrescuingprincessFTW The prince of the fortress sees the scar on Thunder's neck (which is a pentacle with a lightning bolt through the middle of it. Take THAT, Harry Potter!), and is all "*gasp* He's the one who'll save us all!", and lets him escape.

Back at the crusader camp, King Richard (of Spain?!) tells Captain Hammer Thunder that he's being sent back to Spain to investigate a mysterious plague thing, and that as an added extra to this, he needs to take Princess Sigrid home. In order to this, he'll be accompanied by a company of six highly trained men from all over Christendom. They all have special skills with various weapons, and are entirely forgettable. Which is good, because they all end up dead. (Whoops, SPOILERS!)

Back in Spain, they find a bunch of people buried up to their necks, making a nice little path of heads sticking out of the ground. Turns out one is still alive. They rescue him and cart him back to his village, where he tells them that there are bad people from England living in a castle in the mountains, effectively using all the peasants as slaves and that there's no way out.

Captain Hammer Thunder and his band of merry men go ploughing into danger, only to have Captain Hammer Thunder captured by a bonkers witch. She tortures him, trying to find out where the ruby from the holy grail is, because without it, they can't complete some kind of weird arse ritual during an eclipse. Oh, and the bad guy's name is Jonathan Black.
Pretty much exactly a scene, but with different actors and more midriffs. Also, source.

Blah blah, a wizard breaks Captain Hammer Thunder out, Viking Princess Girl nurses him back to health, and then gets herself kidnapped. The fortress prince from back in the Holy Land turns up, and is all "Hey, bro. Need some help with getting your lady friend back and killing the bad guy? I'm here for you." The witch gives her a mind control potion, and then makes her kill the wizard and Captain Hammer Thunder. She steals the ruby, and hightails it back to the castle where the potion wears off and she's all "ZOMG WHAT DID I DO?!?!?!"

Unbeknownst to her, all she's done is stab the book the wizard was carrying around, and give Captain Hammer Thunder an upper body workout as he has to pull himself back up the cliff she tried to throw him off. Everyone gears up, and they head off to storm the castle in sneaky ways.
Source

The witch and Jonathon Black conduct a creepy ritual designed to bring Satan back to earth (I think?), which makes a pentagram appear on the moon when it passes in front of the sun, causing a beam of light to fire down into the holy grail (I think this was about the point where Doug and I lost our shit and started giggling hysterically). Captain Hammer Thunder turns up in the nick of time, unchains Viking Princess Girl (who kills the witch), and saves the holy grail from evil Jonathan Black, who gets eaten by a giant worm beast thing that comes up out of the ground.
What the Doctor said. Source

Then Captain Hammer Thunder, his sidekicks, and Viking Princess Girl fly off to Scandinavia in a steampunk looking hot air balloon, as Thunder and Viking Princess Girl do some face nomming and the words "To be continued" appear across the screen.
Source


Um. Let's look at a list of problems I had with this:
1. THE ACTING. Oh my God, was it terrible. ESPECIALLY from Viking Princess Girl.
2. Captain Thunder was like a cross between Captain Hammer (you may have picked up on that already...), Kelso from That 70s Show, and Kevin Sorbo as Hercules. He's meant to be this big, brave hero dude, but he just gave off the impression of being thick as a block of concrete.
3. Crispin, one of the sidekicks, sports a peroxide job worthy of Paris Hilton.
4. The other sidekick, Goliath, is basically the troll in the dungeon from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. He just wanders around the place, eating and bashing people on the head with a club.
5. Good Lord, Viking Princess Girl, PUT YOUR BOOBS AWAY. I guess the comic book artists are really the ones responsible for this, but seriously. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd hadn't had any feeling left in her boobs by the end of filming, thanks to her uber-corset. She also seemed to be channelling Angelina Jolie at this year's Oscars, as she had a hip-high slit in her dress, and kept sticking her leg out of it as often as possible.
Boobs Legsly, someone is challenging you.
Also, source.
6. The underground beastie. It's hinted at numerous times, including within the first five minutes, which are set in the Holy Land. But WHAT IS IT? WHY IS IT? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.
7. There seem to be a lot of animals from Central and South America involved - big ass pythons, chameleons etc. Nearly 300 years before the Americas were discovered. Uh, SURE.
8. The song that played over the end credits was truly worthy of Eurovision. I don't remember the exact lyrics (well, what the subtitles said the lyrics were, anyway), but they were HILARIOUSLY AWFUL.
9. Evil Witch Lady had three skank bot minions who danced around her, "helping" with spells. But in reality, they were just an excuse to dress some girls up in black leather with their midriffs showing. And they pretty much reminded me of the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. Also, Evil Witch Lady had this thing on her chin that looked like a goatee. So that was weird.
10. It was an epic cheese fest.
11. This one isn't really a problem, so much as the fact that 90% of the Spanish I've heard spoken is Latin American Spanish. So whenever they said gracias as "grathiath" or generally any word with an S sound in it, I sniggered. Lisping is funny, yo.

And of course, when I got home, I checked it out on IMDB to find that it has a whopping 3.3/10 rating. At least we're students and we got cheap tickets? 

So. Have you seen any truly terrible films recently (foreign or otherwise!)???

K xx

12 comments:

  1. I don't think I've ever seen, or even HEARD of, a movie quite as horrifically, hilariously wrong as that one. The closest I've come would be playing Absolute Balderdash - some of the actual movie plots in the game are just unbelievable, to the point where you consider writing them down so you can find out if they're as bad as they sound.

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    1. Oh man, this movie should DEFINITELY end up on Absolute Balderdash!! Although no one would ever know what the answer was...

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  2. Oh dear.

    Though now I want to rent Hocus Pocus. Do you think there would be a DVD store crazy enough to have a copy?

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    1. Probably!! If you can't track down a copy, I'll send you one for your birthday ;)

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  3. You just broke my brain. Also, I saw the Hocus Pocus picture on GReader and was like I WATCH THAT EVERY HALLOWEEN (nearly typed Christmas there, what in the hell), YOU CAN'T WATCH THAT NOW.

    Amaze, though. I kind of want to see it for the horribleness(?) of it all.

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    1. I think the only way to make it tolerable would be on DVD, with plenty of booze, where you could snark your way through it, and throw popcorn at the screen when it sucked.

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  4. Have you seen the Pakistani movie Hitler? It's about Hitlers illegitimate Pakistani son who slays his enemies with an army of tamed bears. He also has long monologues with pictures of his father and there are some groovy disco nazi songs.

    Its what I imagine drinking a pangalaticgargleblaster would feel like.

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    1. Uh. WTF. That movie sounds equal parts amazing and horrific!! I kind of want to watch it now...

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  5. I...wow. Like Nikki, my brain also feels broken by the hideousness that is this movie. Also, the witch in that picture bears an uncanny resemblance to Bette Midler, no? (I know it's not a pic from the actual movie, but still. Heh heh.) And thank you for the expression "face nomming", bahahah. xo

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    1. The ACTUAL witch in the movie looked more like a Bond villain's evil sidekick...

      And I actually stole 'face nomming' from Lissa at lissawrites.wordpress.com It's total genius!

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  6. On a completely unrelated note...Hocus Pocus scared me so much as a child that I'm still a bit afraid to see it today. Seriously, I have been SCARRED by that movie. It used to give me nightmares YEARS after seeing it.

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    1. I remember being scared of it too. But I was a HUGE chicken as a kid. What scarred me for life was that TV show, Dinosaurs. I had nightmares about the characters on that show for YEARS. Even now if I see stills from the show, I feel creeped out.....

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