Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Please explain to me the scientific nature of the whammy

"We're judging you for writing this." Also, source.

Yup. I've ploughed my way through season 3 of The X-Files. Seriously, between this and the Buffy recaps I'm doing with Lor? I may as well just pack up and move back to the 90s... Anyway, as with the previous two seasons, I've had a LOT of thoughts. (Not least of which was the theory that Mulder and Scully are secretly boffing like rabbits.) So let's push on, shall we?
  • Uh, Scully? Yelling Mulder's name at the bottom of a huge canyon is TOTALLY not helpful.
  • Ahahaha, Scully's being suspended for insubordination. AWESOME.
  • WTF. Mulder is floating through space covered in tree branches...
  • Oooh, the metal detector is being set off by nothing! HELLO, SCULLY'S SUBDERMAL IMPLANT!
  • Aaand now Scully's sister has been shot. I'm starting a "who can lose more friends/relatives?" count.
  • "What is this?" "This is where you pucker up and kiss my ass!" I love it when Skinner's a badass.
  • Oh my God. Jack Black and Giovanni Ribisi in the one episode. AMAZING.
  • Aaaaaaah, PETER BOYLE PLAYING A PSYCHIC!! This episode (Clyde Bruckman's Finale Repose) is fantastic - Mulder and Scully are SUPER snarky.
  • The facial expressions on The Stupendous Yappi are freaking hilarious.
  • Ugh, Queequeg. You're quite possibly my least favourite fictional dog EVER.
  • Ahahahaha, the executioner is wearing a black hood and A BOWLING SHIRT.
  • OMG. Some guy just slobber kissed a woman to death, and now she's turning into jelly. EEEEEEEUW. Oh, and this whole thing happened because of internet dating. Beware of the fat sucking vampires, y'all.
  • WTF. A ghost soldier attacking people, including a kid in the sandpit. Reminds me of The Mummy.
  • OMG. JEWEL STAITE!!! Foetus Jewel Staite. Amazing.
  • Agent Pendrell, you are adorkable.
  • Ahahaha, Scully has accidentally stumbled into a leper colony.
  • Okay, I'm pretty sure if I were trapped in a train car containing a bomb that was due to go off in less than a minute, I wouldn't stop to investigate it.
  • Scully thinks she's autopsying a saint. AWESOME.
  • Mulder to Scully: "You never draw MY bath" #secretsexytimes
  • COCKROACHES ARE CRAWLING OUT OF THE WALLS AND KILLING PEOPLE, THIS IS CREEPY AS FUCK. Also, Scully's all jealous of Mulder hanging out with a hot entomologist #secretsexytimes
  • ZOMG. Mini Ryan Reynolds. With SUPER goofy teeth. And Lori from That 70s Show, in the same episode. 
  • Mulder just asked for help with "the horny beast". Shortly followed by "I know how much you like snapping on the latex, Scully" OMG, SO MANY #SECRETSEXYTIMES
  • Eeeeeeeuw. Creepy severed heads in gargoyle statues remind me of the Weeping Angels...
  • The black oozy stuff! I remember that stuff...
  • "It's a North American P-51" "I just got very turned on..." #SECRETSEXYTIMES
  • OH. MY. GOD.  A very young Michael BublĂ© just played a submarine officer with like one line. 
  • I love it when they make references to past episodes through trashy tabloid newspapers.
  • This 'pusher' guy is creeping me out. He's the human equivalent of the Doctor's psychic paper.
  • Okay. This is in NO way how an archaeological dig works. For starters, the sides of those trenches are really badly excavated. Secondly, no one excavates IN THE SNOW. Because the ground is frozen.
  • This archaeologists being eaten by jaguar beasts sent by a dead shaman episode? Reminds me of the Buffy episodes 'Dead Man's Party' and 'Inca Mummy Girl'...
  • OMG. B.D. Wong and Lucy Liu in the same episode. But I'm super confused about what the lottery thing is for. Ohhhhh. Right. I remember now. Body parts. EW.
  • Hahahaha, the bleeped out speeches by the detective in 'Jose Chung's From Outer Space' are fantastic. That said, WTF is this episode?! Also, are Mulder and Scully sharing a room?? #SECRETSEXYTIMES. Wait. Is that Alex Trebek? It IS. AMAZING.
  • Wait. Skinner's getting divorced? Who knew he was even married?? (Ha - apparently not Mulder and  Scully!)
  • Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuw. Sex scene involving Skinner. Excuse me while I hurl... Aaaaand now she's dead. Awkward. That said, the tape outline of the body on the bed is HILARIOUS.
  • Yessssss, Quagmire! Giant fake monster feet FTW. That dude is taking WAAAAY too many photos for someone who has to pay to get film developed. 
  • Ahaha, "Dude, what's wrong with you? You made me drop my toad!".
  • Queequeg getting eaten totally reminds me of the cow being fed to the raptors in Jurassic Park.
  • "Scully, are you coming onto me?" #SECRETSEXYTIMES
  • Uuuh, there's a crazy man trying to kill a fictional version of Slobodan Milosovic over and over again. Whut. Oh, and now Scully's going cray-cray. Excellent.
  • I LOVE it when magic healing people make the blood from wounds disappear, as well as healing fabric. It's hilarious.
  • ZOMG. Why does Mulder's mum has an alien stabby thing? THE THICK PLOTTENS!! 
So. My #secretsexytimes theory. Who's on board with me? Also, is it just me or is that picture of Ryan Reynolds HILAAAAAARIOUS??

K xx


  1. Of course there are lots and lots of #secretsexytimes. How could there not be? There is one episode, they're in Hollywood helping with a movie, and the whole time you're waiting for the sexing to commence. Oh! And the boat one... they get trapped in a timewarp on an ocean liner. That one has lots of nonsexing sexing in it, too!

    1. I've not gotten up to the Hollywood one yet - something to look forward to!! The boat one was season 2, and mostly I get hung up on the fact that Scully wants them to drink a mixture of sardine water, lemon juice and the contents of a snow globe because the water is making them old. EW.

  2. Oh, I've always wondered about secretsexytimes. Exactly how long were they doing it before Scully got pregnant? We may never know.

    Ryan Reynolds and Michael Buble! I had no idea. You're making me want to re-watch this show from the beginning!

    1. There are some truly incredible guest stars in this show. Like, really really big name people today, who were just getting started when this was being filmed.

      I started season 4 last night, and the #secretsexytimes are continuing!

  3. That picture of Ryan Reynolds! AHAHAHAHA!!! I can't even handle it!

    1. Right?!?!?!?! IT'S AMAZING. I actually had to check IMDB to make sure it was him when I watched the episode. He's just so incredibly goofy looking!

  4. Now I know why every date with someone I've met online HAS GONE VERY BADLY (or relationship with). What jerks, trying to turn me into jell-o or ooze or whatever. *super-frown*

    Everyone knows their #secretsexytimes were definitely more than #secretsexytimes.

    1. You want to know the really fun part about that slobbering women to death guy? He was sucking out all their adipose. WHERE'S THE DOCTOR WHEN YOU NEED HIM??? (Also? I now REALLY want to watch Partners in Crime)

      And YES. So much yes.

  5. I've never watched the x-files...I apologise on behalf of myself and my inability to handle one iota of suspense!

    1. That's okay. I'm sort of weird when it comes to this stuff. I can't deal with horror/suspense movies to save myself. But TV shows are fine somehow. I guess because I know the show runs for however many seasons, so I know they're not going to kill off all the characters??? I just don't know... (It could also be because I've seen them before!!)

  6. Fictional version of Slobodan Milosevic? Bahahah. Yowza!

    And, I'm sorry...cockroaches coming out of the walls? See, this is where I would lose my shit and have recurring nightmares. Cockroaches are only my MORTAL ENEMY. Bleargh! ::shudder::

    Ryan Reynolds looks dorktacular. But he's still a cutie-patootie.

    Loooooved all the secretsexytimes references, bwah!


    1. Seriously, you need to get Twitter, girl. Because the minute I started watching that episode, I was all "WOW. Fake Slobodan Milosevic. I NEED TO TELL PRETZEL ABOUT THIS!!" and then had to wait until I wrote the post (okay, so I could have emailed you, but that's totally not the point!!)

      The cockroach episode gave me SO MANY CREEPY FEELINGS *shudder*

  7. Oh the fat sucking vampires... well I sure don't need lunch for a couple of hours now hahahaha. I'm also quite glad I've somehow repressed that cockroach episode from memory. It is also fun seeing super young celebrities in this show (mostly dying, but still).

    1. The cockroach episode made me feel like I needed to take a shower to the point of "They say when you've drawn blood, you've exfoliated" (thank you, Spike in season 2 of BtVS!!)

      And sorry I put you off your lunch...


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