Friday, July 20, 2012

Meanwhile, I've quit the FBI and become a spokesperson for the ab-roller

Another season of The X-Files over and done with, and I'm starting to get the feeling that I hallucinated a lot of the episodes that I remember really clearly from when I was OBSESSED with this show in the 90s. Because I'm now half way through season 5, and certain things that I remember haven't happened yet. Perhaps I am becoming my own X-File??

What a terrifying concept.

ANYWAY. I'm going to warn you now: season 4 can be summed up in a single word - ANGST. Warning given, on with my many, many thoughts!!
"God, won't she EVER give up on blogging about us??" Also, source
  • Oh good. Creepy children. IDENTICAL creepy children. Tending creepy bees. This can't POSSIBLY end in badness...
  • Dying mother = crying Mulder = hugging Mulder and Scully. Awwwwwwww. (And, you know, #secretsexytimes)
  • OMFG. 'Home' is the most disturbingly horrific episode of EVER. Deformed babies, Mrs Peacock, and a heavy dose of BLUUUUUURGH.
  • Mulder just told Scully to find a man with good genes and start popping out babies. Her reply? "What about your family?" #SECRETSEXYTIMES
  • Seriously, people. JUST LOCK YOUR DOORS and you won't get murdered by the beast of the week. DUH. Uh. Oh my God. Scully just did the "baa, ram, ewe" thing from Babe on a yard full of pigs. I find her more and more hilarious with every episode!
  • Um. The beast of the week is making recent African migrants albino. Aaaaaand Mulder just made a Michael Jackson joke. And now he's been shot with a blow dart thing and is drooling. HAHAHAHA.
  • Urgh. Now there's a creepy guy whose thoughts end up in photos. And he's giving them lobotomies through the eyeball. This reminds me Sucker Punch, except it makes a crapton more sense. And now he's trying to do it to Scully. Seriously, how she doesn't have PTSD by now is completely beyond me.
  • Ooooh, cray-cray cult types and past life insanity. WHEEEEEE!!! And CAR PHONES. Aaaaand Mulder just made a Dawson Cryface two years before the Dawson Cryface existed. AMAZING.
See? Total Dawson Cryface. Source
  • Eeeeeeeuw, liposuction on camera *gag*. I love it when people on these shows see a series of unrelated marks, and suddenly join them all together to make a mystical symbol. IT COULD BE ANYTHING!!! Okay. This nurse lady is terrifying. And now there's a dude peeling off his own face. Excuse me while I throw up...
  • Ugh, an entire episode dedicated to Cigarette Smoking Man's backstory? SNORE. So what if he killed JFK and Martin Luther King? That doesn't mean I'm going to feel sorry for him because he's a writer who can't get published! 
  • Oh, goody(?), the return of Krycek and the black oozy stuff. URGH. Shirtless Skinner. At least he's being a badass?? 
  • Uh... Mulder is in a Russian prison trapped under chicken wire and is being infected with the black ooze. WHUT. 
  • Question: how do you look through a microscope while wearing a HAZMAT suit???????
  • Aaaaaaand now Krycek is having his arm cut off by Russian peasants with a heated knife. Lovely.
  • "Let me put my arms around you. Both of them." Aww. Welcome back, Mulder. And welcome back, #secretsexytimes! Meanwhile, Scully is wearing a pant suit and combat boots. Uh, NO.
  • Paper Hearts is still a FANTASTIC episode.
  • Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, a chupacabra!!! Who doesn't love a chupacabra?? Also, EW - So. Much. Fungus...
  • WTF. There is a guy with no head walked around. And now his decapitated head is blinking and moving its mouth. NYARGH... Oh my God. GROSS. The guy is made of cancer and eats bits of cancer out of people/out of the medical waste to survive. I think I'm going to hurl.
Ew. Also, source.
  • Hahahahahaha, Scully just defibrillated his head. AAAAAND Scully has mysterious head cancer. I know I should be sad for her and all, but mostly I just keep thinking about Terrance and Phillip, and how Scott wishes them head cancer...
  • Okay. We're half way through season four, and Scully has only JUST realised that she doesn't have a desk?? Whut. And now there's a talking tattoo, which is kind of amazing. Aaaaand now Scully's on a date. With a killer. At a dive bar. Oh, Scully... 
  • Scully just said "Not everything is about you, Mulder. This is my life." Pretty sure that means no more #secretsexytimes. SAD PANDA.
  • Ooh, golums. They always make me think of Terry Pratchett... Okay, so there's a guy who's hanged himself. And they're trying to cut him down. But Mulder is making teeny tiny Scully hold his body weight while he cuts the rope. DUDE. No wonder she went on a date with a killer and called off the #secretsexytimes! 
  • Um. Since when is crying blood an actual thing?!?!?!?! This is terrifying...
  • Um, WTF. Mulder just went through a metal detector talking on his phone. His pocket change set off the metal detector. His phone did not. Apparently phones in the 90s contained no metal at all...
  • Awwwwwwww. Mulder just got the staff at the restaurant they're eating at to sing Happy Birthday to Scully. And he got her a present. Bless............
  • Awww. Drunk Pendrell. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, DEAD PENDRELL!!!! *cries*
  • Alien abduction from a plane at 30,000 feet that doesn't depressurise when the door is opened??? WTF.
  • Mmmmm, frozen corpses. And time travel! But without a TARDIS :( Honestly, why would you even bother?! 
  • Hee hee, baby with a tail that was supposedly fathered by Luke Skywalker! I love this episode. Shapeshifters are much more fun in The X-Files than in Supernatural. Ooooh, now the shapeshifter has turned into Mulder. And Fake Mulder is trying to get Scully drunk for #notsosecretsexytimes. AMAZING.
Meet Fake Mulder, y'all. You can tell he's fake, because he's smiley. Source.
  • WTF, killer bees. WTF, Skinner deleting case files from Mulder's computer. WTF, Skinner stealing corpses. WTF, Skinner burning corpses. WTF, Skinner is doing all of this claiming to be Mulder. URGH, Skinner in nothing but his tighty whiteys. Oh. Okay. Skinner is doing it all so that Cigarette Smoking Man will give him a cure to Scully's head cancer. 
  • Uh. The killer bees are carrying SMALLPOX. Aaaaaand Mulder knows that Skinner's responsible. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN. 
  • Creepy haunted bowling alley of creepiness. And now Scully's seeing ghosts. And now there's a creepy stabby nurse. And it's deep and meaningful o'clock. Jeez, Mulder. Instead of being an asshat, why don't you just give Scully a hug so that she doesn't spend her time crying in her car???
  • Hmm. Mulder is having weird childhood flashbacks. And now he's covered in Not His Blood, and is at a motel in Rhode Island. Aaaaand now Scully is helping Naked Mulder out of the bath (#secretsexytimes). Wait. So. Mulder has apparently murdered two people because he was high on ketamine? WHUT. 
  • OMG. Mulder just accused his mum of having an affair with Cigarette Smoking Man. AWWWWKWARD TURTLE. And now Samantha has gone from being abducted by aliens to being the victim of a serial killer to being taken away by Cigarette Smoking Man and raised as his daughter. WTF, Chris Carter? MAKE A DECISION!!! 
  • Scully is reporting on the illegitimacy of Mulder's work. Uh, RUDE. And now we're in the Yukon, and I'm confused... 
  • The final episode of the fourth season, and we're only *just* learning that Scully has a brother?? 
  • Hmm, alien corpse. And Mulder doing some VERY ill advised camping in the Yukon. And now they've brought the alien corpse back to Washington. Surely lowering a block of ice containing an alien corpse into steaming hot water = steaming alien corpse??
  • Wait. The alien is fake. And Mulder's crying because it's fake. And now Scully's telling the FBI review panel people that Mulder was so devastated about the fake dead alien that he killed himself. CLIFF HANGER ENDING!!

To be honest, I was kind of disappointed by this season. Way less #secretsexytimes. Way less interesting episodes. Way too many episodes featuring Skinner in various stages of undress. Way too many "Scully has a nosebleed from her brain cancer" incidents. No future famous people at all. LAAAAAAAME. But there WERE some truly spectacular lines, such as the one I've used as the title!! So I guess that's something?

Who else finds Cigarette Smoking Man to be a boring pain in the arse?? And does anyone remember the babies with tails shapeshifter episode? Because you should. It. Was. AWESOME.

K xx


  1. Jodie Foster was the voice of the talking tattoo!

    They did mention in an earlier episode that Scully has two brothers- Bill just didn't show up until the end of the fourth season, and the other brother (at some point they refer to him as "Charles") never showed up.

    1. I actually kept thinking all the way through season 2 and season 3 that she had two brothers, and that at least one of them was in the navy. But then I convinced myself that I was thinking of Jane Austen(!!!!!!). So I was rather relieved when Bill turned up in season 4!

      And YES! I can't believe I forgot to mention that... I guess there WAS a famous person in season 4 after all!

  2. I totally didn't know that about Jodie Foster!

    I remember a lot about this season... especially the tail toting baby and the episode with the inbreeds hiding the mother under the bed cos the music in that one was really eerie and suddenly it reminded my mother how much she loved that music and she'd play it and all it would remind me of was utter creepiness.

    I also remember that this was when everything started to be less awesome and more ... obsessive

    1. Seriously, there was SO. MUCH. ANGST. in season 4. But I'm half way through season 5 now, and am enjoying that a lot more. Some incredibly creepy episodes, and some hilarious episodes. AND NO HEAD CANCER/ALEX KRYCEK/BLACK OOZE!!!! Well. Not so far, anyway...

      The tail toting babies episode is one of my favourites from way back!

  3. I remember the kids with the bees!!!

    aaaaand... now I'm back to thinking about Manny eating all Bernard's bees.

    1. Oh my God, I'd forgotten about Manny eating all of Bernard's bees!!!!!!!! Clearly this is a sign that I need to rewatch Black Books very soon.

  4. Okay, note to self--

    Start watching the goddamn X-Files already!!


    Is this the season with the creepy identical twins smiling creepily and creepily loitering in some parking lot? Or something? Did I mention the creepy?

    Also, cancer dude eating bits of cancer? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Hello, nightmares! ;-)


    1. No, that was season 1. There are a disturbing number of creepy children in the X-Files over the years!! There was another one in an episode I watched last week, who actually bore a striking resemblance to the creepy twins from season 1... *shudder*

      The cancer dude was SO. EFFING. GROSS. Like, he was able to cut off his own thumb to get out of handcuffs and then grow it back again by eating more cancer. EW.

  5. Just FYI this post totally inspired me to procure the entirety of The X Files, and start thinking up a sales pitch to sell Biz on the idea.


  6. Ha ha ha. My fave episodes are the ridiculous. For example, the genie episode.

    1. I love the ridiculous episodes too. I'm the same with Supernatural - my favourites are the completely insane and hilarious ones.

  7. God, Melbs... You had me at mulder and Dawson cryface. Loveeee.

    1. Seriously. I saw his face crumble, and all I could think was "Oh God, not ANOTHER Dawson Leery......."


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