In case you don't remember from last time, season 4 ended with Scully telling a committee that Mulder had killed himself. And now, on with my thoughts!
- FLASHBACK. Mulder is having a little cry. Aww. And now he's sitting in Scully's bedroom in the dark. And she's understandably confused to come home and find him there. He has a new and exciting conspiracy theory. Wow, Scully is an EXCELLENT fake crier. Cigarette Smoking Man thinks Mulder is dead and is having a little teary. WTF, room full of alien corpses. WTF, room full of pregnant women under strobe lights. Wheeeee, season 1 flashbacks! Oh no, fainting Scully.
- Oh dear. Scully is on a ventilator, dying of her brain cancer, and Mulder is wigging out. Aaaand how she's awake and he's kissing her cheek and holding her hand #secretsexytimes And HE JUST KISSED HER HAND IN FRONT OF HER MOTHER #PRACTICALLYENGAGED Haha, Scully's brother does NOT like Mulder. Wait. Samantha is not only alive, but is Cigarette Smoking Man's daughter? So confused... Awww. Mulder is crying by Scully's bed in the middle of the night. Now he's being all dramatic at a hearing. Hahaha, right at the big gasp-worthy reveal, the DVD started skipping, and it was like the DVD was surprised too. Awesome. ZOMG. Cigarette Smoking Man got shot and is apparently dead. And Scully is miraculously in remission. HURRAH!
|Another spectacular Mulder cry face. Also, source.|
- Uh, WTF. Mulder is naked on the floor yelling "They're heeeeeeeeeeeere", and the Lone Gunmen are getting arrested. In 1989. This, as it turns out, is the 100th episode. And it's pretty lame. Except that Detective Munch is in it, which is kind of amazing.
- Hmmm, creepy camouflaged beasties on the forest floor. Or is it Peeta Mellark??? Apparently Mulder is twelve - he just said "Who cut the cheese?" and "PARTAAY!". Now they're lost in the woods. Scully just cuddled up to Mulder to keep warm, and he went "I don't want to wrestle" #secretsexytimes Ahahaha, and now she's singing 'Jeremiah was a Bullfrog'. AMAZING.
- Um. This episode is like a cross between Pleasantville and that episode of Supernatural, 'Monster Movie'. With added Jerry Springer and mad scientists. And Mulder and Scully slow dancing at a Cher concert. WTF. (#secretsexytimes)
- Now there's a Christmas episode in which Scully is getting mysterious phone calls from her dead sister. Scully's mopey because she's infertile and her sister-in-law is pregnant. Also, there's a kid who looks exactly like Scully's dead sister, so she's assuming it's Dead Sister's kid. Mmm, nothing says Christmas like an autopsy! OOH. It's NOT Dead Sister's kid. It's SCULLY'S KID.
- Ahahahaha, Mulder is trying to impersonate Mr. Potato Head for Scully's insta-kid. Eeeeuw. There's gross green lumpy crap coming out of the kid's neck. And now there are creepy alien babies floating in test tubes of green goo. Double eeeeuw. Awwww. Scully's insta-kid was actually an alien beastie, and died... :(
|This is his Mr. Potato Head face. You're welcome. Also, source.|
- Oh God, not Modell again. That dude creeps me out. Ew. Someone painted himself blue and then DRANK PAINT UNTIL HE DIED?? Gross.
- Aaaaaah, mini-Ash from Supernatural!!! Okay, creepy men standing in orchards? NEVER ends well. Mulder to Scully: "Is this demonstration of boyish agility turning you on at all?" #secretsexytimes. Uh. Killer trees. KILLER. TREES. I have no explanation for this...
- Holy hell. There's a creepy small child with a creepy as fuck doll that's encouraging people to claw out their eyes or cut their own throats or hit themselves in the head with a hammer over and over. This is like every nightmare of ever rolled into one... *shudder* Haha, Scully just went on a spiel about witches. Mulder's response? "Scully? Marry me." #secretsexytimes
|Terrifying doll of creepiness. Also, source.|
- Uh. There's some kind of AI creation living in the internet. And crazy people were going to give up their boring earth bodies to live in the internet forever. Suuuuuuuure... Oh, now the AI is trying to kill Mulder. Aaaaaaand now Mulder's hallucinating that he's got no arms, and Scully can do martial arts. LOL, WHUT.
- YESSSSSS, THE TEEN VAMPIRE EPISODE!!!!!!! This is one of the ones I thought I'd invented. OMG. Luke Wilson is in it. As the local sheriff! Ahaha, SUPER Snarky Scully. And High Mulder. AAAAAAAAH, Luke Wilson is a vampire!!! THIS EPISODE IS AMAAAAAAZING.
|Lol, Luke Wilson. Also, source.|
- UGH, not Krycek again... Aaaaand now Mulder's the skeptic. IIIIIInteresting. Black ooze again, blah blah, flamey abduction victims blah blah, Scully might become one of them, dun dun duuuuuuun.
- Awwww. Mulder thought Scully was dead, and how he's all happy because she's not. Her first reaction on seeing him standing next to her bed? "What time is it?" Seriously, #secretsexytimes. Ew, people with no eyes. They look like the Bringers from Buffy... Aaaand Cigarette Smoking Man isn't dead. DUH.
- Uuuugh, another flashback episode???? 1990 this time. But wait! The Yellow Eyed Demon from Supernatural is in it!! Seriously, did Kim Manners do ALL the casting for Supernatural based on people he'd worked with on The X-Files?! Eeeeeeeuw, there's a body fluid sucking alien spider coming out of a guy's mouth. Excuse me while I vomit... Um. 1990 Mulder is wearing A WEDDING RING. WHAT IS THIS INSANITY?!?!?!?!?!?
- There's a blind girl killing people. OR IS SHE? Uh. Apparently the actual killer murdered Blind Girl's mum while she was pregnant with Blind Girl, and now Blind Girl sees through the killer's eyes. WHUT. Oh. And the killer is Blind Girl's dad. OF COURSE.
- Uh, some paralysed girl could miraculously walk only to fall to her knees with her eyes burnt out. GROSS. And it turns out that she's one of quadruplets, all of whom have 12 fingers and get their eyes burnt out. Jeez, what a suckfest. Uh. Now there's a priest whose true face is four animal heads, and a ginger social worker who may or may not be the Devil. I am SO confused right now...
|Yes, that's smoke coming from her eye sockets. Ew. Also, source.|
- Eeeeuw, a dissolving dead guy, a failed sting, and Mulder acting seriously weird. I have absolutely no idea what is happening in this episode. NONE.
- Okay, a giant invisible bug. WHUT. Um. Now it's a bug in disguise as a person? Sounds like the episode of Buffy that Lor and I recapped today... </self promotion>
- Ugh, Krycek is bringing Cigarette Smoking Man back into the fold. Now there's a small chess playing child who may or may not be psychic. And Mimi Rogers. Awww, Scully just found out that Mimi Rogers is Mulder's ex, and she's all jealous. Oh, look. The X-Files are being closed down AGAIN. Aaaaaaaaand now Cigarette Smoking Man is setting fire to Mulder's office. Specifically, the filing cabinets. Mini Kirsti cried like a baby in this scene. Like, ran into the next room bawling and scared my mum into thinking that I'd broken a limb kind of crying. Adult Kirsti just sniggered because Scully took the "Oh no, our office burned down" opportunity to squeeze Mulder's biceps. #consolationsexytimes
|Bicep gropage. Also, source.|
As much as I loved the ridiculous vampire episode and was relieved to find out that I didn't hallucinate Cigarette Smoking Man setting fire to Mulder's office, I have to admit, it's getting progressively crappier. I'm not entirely sure I can survive another four seasons of this...
Random question of the day: with shows like The X-Files and Supernatural, do you prefer the scary episodes or the funny episodes?