No, not Christmas, you guys.
It's amazing. And because I'm cool like that, I'm going to blog the semi-finals (because, let's face it, they're far more fun! I *may* change my mind on Sunday night and decide to blog about the big five. We'll see how much my brain melts in the next two nights...). Eurovision 2012 is coming to the world from Baku, Azerbaijan.
First of all, you can listen to all the songs here. But the videos for many of them will make absolutely no sense in relation to what I'm talking about. These will make a lot more sense, but I have no idea if they're accessible outside Australia...
Anyway. On with the show!! (All images from the individual country pages here)
Montenegro - Rambo Amadeus
Ahahaha, his name is spectacular. What. This is like Eurovision and the Phantom of the Opera had a baby. It's like an Eastern European version of Meatloaf RAPPING. And why is there a Trojan horse on the stage???? Oh, and now there are break dancers. Of course. And it's apparently a "monetary break dance". What else!
Iceland - Greta Salome and Jonsi
This guy is very...intense. Kind of like Edward stalker Cullen or something. Aww, the girl is adorable. Kind of the Icelandic blonde version of Amy Adams. Although I wish she'd stop flinging her hair around while she plays violin. This is kind of like Abba with strings. Only more rock-y?? Oooh, KEY CHANGE. And wind machines??? Her hair seems to be blowing around. FIREWORKS!
Greece - Eleftheria Eleftheriou
Uh, honey? You forgot your skirt. Her outfit is half dress, half bathing suit. Quality Europop. I'm not quite sure what the back up dancers are wearing. I wish my legs looked like that... Her hair appears to be pissing her off quite a lot. ZORBA'S DANCE. Aaaand awkward final poses.
Latvia - Anmary
A song about winning Eurovision? Really?? Oh my God. This song is terrible. It's basically her life story. In song form. And the amounts of blue netting on her dress are scaring me. I love how much taller than her back up singers she is. She looks like a Barbie doll, towering over them. Her back up singers look like the cast of Latvian Desperate Housewives...
Albania - Rona Nishliu
Aww, it's in Albanian. I have no effing clue what she's singing about. Booooo... But her hair is channelling Sarah Jessica Parker and her costume is channelling Lady Gaga. She's doing the Rachel Berry "sing with your eyes closed when it's emotional" thing. Oooh, FOG. Okay. This is kind of reminding me of the giant blue opera singer lady from The Fifth Element. Oh, and end with fake crying. Excellent. And weird...
Romania - Mandinga
Awww. Sad. There are seven people in their group, but you can only have six on stage, so one guy has to sit in the green room... Romanian/Cuban fusion. What. WHITE SUITS!! And plastic bagpipes? And an accordian. Oh, Eurovision... She seems to have forgotten her skirt too. And the back of her dress. Despite the ridiculousness, I'm kind of liking this song. It's classic Eurovision brilliance. Oooh, flames!! AND fireworks. It's like a 20/20 cricket match up in here!
Switzerland - Sinplus
CRAZY TALL HAIR!! Although I'm not sure why he squints when he sings. Also, he needs to pull his pants up. He looks like he's pooped himself. This song might be okay if he weren't kind of pitchy. They appear to have a dominatrix playing the bass. More flames! Seriously, that squint is weirding me out.
Belgium - Iris
Honey, your dress is see-through when backlit. Not really appropriate for a 16 year old... (The dress is kind of cute, despite being see-through-y) She's adorable, but very breathy sounding. And that's about all I have to say about her. She's kind of meh.
Finland - Pernilla
She's singing in Swedish?? Uh, okay. Pretty sure that's the Finnish Neil Patrick Harris on cello. BILLOWY DRESS OF DOOM!! Might be time to ease up on the wind machines. This kind of reminds me of the Corrs. (Anyone remember them?!)
Israel - Izabo
Let me guess, it's about peace? Oh my God. IT'S NOT. Miracle! Ooh, FLAMES! And fros. This is very early 90s sounding... Bonus point for having a giant clocks on all the screens. The lead singer is basically Mr Bean with a fro... STROBE LIGHTS. Aaaaand that was completely terrible.
San Marino - Valentina Monetta
YES!! THE FACEBOOK SONG!!!!! Oh my God. There's a cheerleader on stage. Hahaha, she has a laptop on stage. This is like the Village People singing about Facebook. Aww. They've changed the words from "Facebook, uh oh oh" to "Social network uh oh oh" What. Lame. After all the scandal about this, I'm guessing they won't get through.
Cyprus - Ivi Adamou
What are these outfits. They look like ugly beige bridesmaids' dresses. With leggings?? Or knee socks? I can't tell. Very poppy, but surprisingly catchy. Kind of like the Cypriot version of J-Lo. Ooh, acrobatics. Oh honey. Sparkly illusion netting over your cleavage is neither stealthy nor flattering. One of the back up singers appears to have Princess Leia buns. Awesome.
Denmark - Soluna Samay
Nice epaulettes!! She's adorable. Not quite sure why the cellist looks like he's en route to the gym. The double bass player needs to bounce up and down less, or a boob is going to pop out of her corset... Kind of the Danish version of Jewel? They're good! Bonus points for having a giant leather chair on stage. I wouldn't be surprised if they won.
Russia - Buranovskiye Babushki
OMG. A bunch of a millionty year old ladies. This is spectacular. And awful. They're adorable, but it sounds like singalong time at the nursing home. Oh, and now there's a nightclub sort of theme going on. I'm confused. This is the Russian version of the old lady in The Wedding Singer. Awww, they baked! It looks like they made cookies. I want some.
Hungary - Compact Disco
I quite like this. FLAMES!! It's kind of like a cross between U2 and some band that would have played at the Bronze in Buffy? Although I wish the lead singer would stop treating the microphone like the lid of a jar he's trying to open. He also looks like he's wearing lightweight chainmail, thanks to his extra shiny shirt.
Austria - Trackshittaz
Uh. Pole dancing. And rapping. In German. Even the camera doesn't know where to look. What is this guy's hair?? Oh dear. Now the singers are pole dancing too. Aaaand he's lost his hat doing pelvic thrusts. OH MY GOD. Their costumes light up. (Of course they do. It's Eurovision.) Wow. The name of the band is incredibly appropriate...
Moldova - Pasha Parfeny
Insane costumes and trumpet music, what's not to love?! This guy looks like a blacksmith version of Colin Farrell. And yet he's singing about a wedding? "This trumpet makes you mine, girl"? Bahahahaha. Uh. No. And now there's kind of a silent movie vibe??? And cartwheels from the back up singers. Hilariously ridiculous.
Ireland - JEDWARD!!!!
They were spectacular last year. This is year is no different. Those costumes are amazing. And their hair!! It's like bouncy silver versions of C3PO. Fog! And weird jumps. Oh, Jedward. OOOH, WATERJETS!!! My God. They're so bouncy. They're like springer spaniels. I love it. They just yelled "AWESOME!!" and jumped in the air. Hilarious. Aww, now they're making a love heart with their hands. And they just jumped in the fountain-y thing. EXCELLENT.
And that's it for tonight's performances. Who's going to make it through to the finals??? ANNOUNCEMENT TIME!
Through to the finals:
Jedward are doing cartwheels of celebration.
My God, I love Eurovision. Semi-final 2 is tomorrow night, so there'll be more spectacular nonsense then! Hopefully with on-stage costume changes. They've been sadly lacking thus far...
Do you love Eurovision? Hate it? Never heard of it? Tell me!!!