Friday, May 25, 2012

The most wonderful time of the year

No, not Christmas, you guys.


It's amazing. And because I'm cool like that, I'm going to blog the semi-finals (because, let's face it, they're far more fun! I *may* change my mind on Sunday night and decide to blog about the big five. We'll see how much my brain melts in the next two nights...). Eurovision 2012 is coming to the world from Baku, Azerbaijan.

First of all, you can listen to all the songs here. But the videos for many of them will make absolutely no sense in relation to what I'm talking about. These will make a lot more sense, but I have no idea if they're accessible outside Australia...

Anyway. On with the show!! (All images from the individual country pages here)

Montenegro - Rambo Amadeus

Ahahaha, his name is spectacular. What. This is like Eurovision and the Phantom of the Opera had a baby. It's like an Eastern European version of Meatloaf RAPPING. And why is there a Trojan horse on the stage???? Oh, and now there are break dancers. Of course. And it's apparently a "monetary break dance". What else!

Iceland - Greta Salome and Jonsi

This guy is very...intense. Kind of like Edward stalker Cullen or something. Aww, the girl is adorable. Kind of the Icelandic blonde version of Amy Adams. Although I wish she'd stop flinging her hair around while she plays violin. This is kind of like Abba with strings. Only more rock-y?? Oooh, KEY CHANGE. And wind machines??? Her hair seems to be blowing around. FIREWORKS!

Greece - Eleftheria Eleftheriou

Uh, honey? You forgot your skirt. Her outfit is half dress, half bathing suit. Quality Europop. I'm not quite sure what the back up dancers are wearing. I wish my legs looked like that... Her hair appears to be pissing her off quite a lot. ZORBA'S DANCE. Aaaand awkward final poses.

Latvia - Anmary

A song about winning Eurovision? Really?? Oh my God. This song is terrible. It's basically her life story. In song form. And the amounts of blue netting on her dress are scaring me. I love how much taller than her back up singers she is. She looks like a Barbie doll, towering over them. Her back up singers look like the cast of Latvian Desperate Housewives...

Albania - Rona Nishliu

Aww, it's in Albanian. I have no effing clue what she's singing about. Booooo... But her hair is channelling Sarah Jessica Parker and her costume is channelling Lady Gaga. She's doing the Rachel Berry "sing with your eyes closed when it's emotional" thing. Oooh, FOG. Okay. This is kind of reminding me of the giant blue opera singer lady from The Fifth Element. Oh, and end with fake crying. Excellent. And weird...

Romania - Mandinga

Awww. Sad. There are seven people in their group, but you can only have six on stage, so one guy has to sit in the green room... Romanian/Cuban fusion. What. WHITE SUITS!! And plastic bagpipes? And an accordian. Oh, Eurovision... She seems to have forgotten her skirt too. And the back of her dress. Despite the ridiculousness, I'm kind of liking this song. It's classic Eurovision brilliance. Oooh, flames!! AND fireworks. It's like a 20/20 cricket match up in here!

Switzerland - Sinplus

CRAZY TALL HAIR!! Although I'm not sure why he squints when he sings. Also, he needs to pull his pants up. He looks like he's pooped himself. This song might be okay if he weren't kind of pitchy. They appear to have a dominatrix playing the bass. More flames! Seriously, that squint is weirding me out.

Belgium - Iris

Honey, your dress is see-through when backlit. Not really appropriate for a 16 year old... (The dress is kind of cute, despite being see-through-y) She's adorable, but very breathy sounding. And that's about all I have to say about her. She's kind of meh.

Finland - Pernilla

She's singing in Swedish?? Uh, okay. Pretty sure that's the Finnish Neil Patrick Harris on cello. BILLOWY DRESS OF DOOM!! Might be time to ease up on the wind machines. This kind of reminds me of the Corrs. (Anyone remember them?!)

Israel - Izabo

Let me guess, it's about peace? Oh my God. IT'S NOT. Miracle! Ooh, FLAMES! And fros. This is very early 90s sounding... Bonus point for having a giant clocks on all the screens. The lead singer is basically Mr Bean with a fro... STROBE LIGHTS. Aaaaand that was completely terrible.

San Marino - Valentina Monetta

YES!! THE FACEBOOK SONG!!!!! Oh my God. There's a cheerleader on stage. Hahaha, she has a laptop on stage. This is like the Village People singing about Facebook. Aww. They've changed the words from "Facebook, uh oh oh" to "Social network uh oh oh" What. Lame. After all the scandal about this, I'm guessing they won't get through.

Cyprus - Ivi Adamou

What are these outfits. They look like ugly beige bridesmaids' dresses. With leggings?? Or knee socks? I can't tell. Very poppy, but surprisingly catchy. Kind of like the Cypriot version of J-Lo. Ooh, acrobatics. Oh honey. Sparkly illusion netting over your cleavage is neither stealthy nor flattering. One of the back up singers appears to have Princess Leia buns. Awesome.

Denmark - Soluna Samay

Nice epaulettes!! She's adorable. Not quite sure why the cellist looks like he's en route to the gym. The double bass player needs to bounce up and down less, or a boob is going to pop out of her corset... Kind of the Danish version of Jewel? They're good! Bonus points for having a giant leather chair on stage. I wouldn't be surprised if they won.

Russia - Buranovskiye Babushki

OMG. A bunch of a millionty year old ladies. This is spectacular. And awful. They're adorable, but it sounds like singalong time at the nursing home. Oh, and now there's a nightclub sort of theme going on. I'm confused. This is the Russian version of the old lady in The Wedding Singer. Awww, they baked! It looks like they made cookies. I want some.

Hungary - Compact Disco

I quite like this. FLAMES!! It's kind of like a cross between U2 and some band that would have played at the Bronze in Buffy? Although I wish the lead singer would stop treating the microphone like the lid of a jar he's trying to open. He also looks like he's wearing lightweight chainmail, thanks to his extra shiny shirt.

Austria - Trackshittaz

Uh. Pole dancing. And rapping. In German. Even the camera doesn't know where to look. What is this guy's hair?? Oh dear. Now the singers are pole dancing too. Aaaand he's lost his hat doing pelvic thrusts. OH MY GOD. Their costumes light up. (Of course they do. It's Eurovision.) Wow. The name of the band is incredibly appropriate...

Moldova - Pasha Parfeny

Insane costumes and trumpet music, what's not to love?! This guy looks like a blacksmith version of Colin Farrell. And yet he's singing about a wedding? "This trumpet makes you mine, girl"? Bahahahaha. Uh. No. And now there's kind of a silent movie vibe??? And cartwheels from the back up singers. Hilariously ridiculous.

Ireland - JEDWARD!!!!

They were spectacular last year. This is year is no different. Those costumes are amazing. And their hair!! It's like bouncy silver versions of C3PO. Fog! And weird jumps. Oh, Jedward. OOOH, WATERJETS!!! My God. They're so bouncy. They're like springer spaniels. I love it. They just yelled "AWESOME!!" and jumped in the air. Hilarious. Aww, now they're making a love heart with their hands. And they just jumped in the fountain-y thing. EXCELLENT.

And that's it for tonight's performances. Who's going to make it through to the finals??? ANNOUNCEMENT TIME!

 Through to the finals:
1. Romania
2. Moldova
3. Iceland
4. Hungary
5. Denmark
6. Albania
7. Cyprus
8. Greece
9. Russia
10. Ireland

Jedward are doing cartwheels of celebration.

My God, I love Eurovision. Semi-final 2 is tomorrow night, so there'll be more spectacular nonsense then! Hopefully with on-stage costume changes. They've been sadly lacking thus far...

Do you love Eurovision? Hate it? Never heard of it? Tell me!!!

K xx


  1. I'm amazed that you're this into the ESC since you live in Australia. I just had to look up the song from my own country cause I didn't know who's going to loose in the name of Germany this year. Well, we won two years ago so it won't happen again for at least 20 years.
    Have fun watching the semifinals :-)

    1. Australia goes CRAZY for Eurovision. CRAZY. I think it started because we had a big influx of European migrants after World War II, so THEY got on board with Eurovision? But now it's just this huge amazing obsession. We even send our own commentators now!

      And the guy from Germany is pretty cute, so I'm hoping he wins just so we can see him again next year! ;)


    1. I think you just insulted Jedward and David Bowie at the same time. That was impressive ;)

      I'm saddened by the lack of on-stage costume changes this year. Fingers crossed tonight's semi-final rectifies this!!

  3. I love you even more now that I know you love Eurovision, and that you've done this kickass post!

    I was actually gonna do an impromptu Eurovision post last night, Scout's honour (I've yet to post anything since my "Little letters" thing on Wed) and then was too tired to type on account of the impending doom of likely illness (...started coming down with a hellish sore throat yesterday AND my choir is singing at a Serbian fundraising event tomorrow eve and OMG I'M SO SCREWED WAAAAHHHH!! Also, since our performance is 20mins long and the event starts at 7pm, we're gonna haul ass pretty much immediately after the singing to Yogi's sister's place (which mercifully is only a 10min drive from the hall we'll be singing at) and we're having Eurovision night, you know, SCORE!).

    Now, my oh-so-important thoughts.


    I CANNOT BELIEVE Rambo didn't go through, WTF! (Here's my Balkanism coming through, hahah.) That song is crazy in the very best and worst's a novelty rap song, you'd think Eurovision would be ALL over that crazy shizz. Plus, the song is ALL SATIRE. That man is very intelligent and ironic and awesome. And you'd think, given the shit Europe is in at the moment, that his song would be very apt (which it is). No love for Rambo, sniff!

    Stupid Eurovision. :P

    Latvia = HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.

    Albania = Dracula is risen! BWAH! I kid, I kid; it just looked like she had raided the Count's wardrobe. Girl also has a bit of a Bjork thing going for her. Dreadlock around the collarbone is freaking me out. Otherwise, she's got a great set of pipes.

    Switzerland = Um...Skeletor masquerading as a girl on bass? The bass guitar must've been filled with helium for the girl to be able to hold it successfully. SHE WAS SKIN AND BONES. Lead singer was like a Swiss version of Adam Levine.

    Israel was like a mix of klezmer and pop, with a bit of "local popular bar mitzvah band" thrown in for good measure. There was something interesting and catchy about the song.

    San Marino made me want to do a dive from my balcony.

    Austria were hilarious and insane and hilarious some more. I'm somewhat disappointed they didn't go through because of those things alone.

    Cyprus was my favourite (I have a girl crush on the singer, gorgeous much?! :P), the song was indeed catchy with a nice melody and beat, etc etc.

    Russia, hahah...they're kind of adorable in all their geriatric glory. Especially the littlest one, hee!

    OMG, Jedward...booooooooooo. They're horrendous! It's like...earnestness overload! Bounciness overload! Perma-grins overload! ACK! But yes, hilarious.

    One of the funniest and most bizarre things I heard from a coworker yesterday was that she thought we Europeans actually TAKE EUROVISION SERIOUSLY. And I was like,, noooooo. I enlightened her to the fact that we all deem it kitschy and crazy and Twilight Zone-like. (I mean, sure, Eurovision used to once be a serious festival, up to and including the 70s, but then it realised it should be crazy and awesome instead. :D)

    To me, the greatest/most hilarious/most WTF/most awesomesauce moment of Eurovision:

    And now I'm going to contemplate how best to heal my throat ahead of singing tomorrow...

    ::curls up into a foetal position and wails::



    1. Oh my God. That video was AMAZING. My favourite is one that I now can't find, because I have no idea what country it was by or what year it was. But if was sung in REALLY AWFUL English and had lyrics like "She bring me cup of tea/Oh no I'm wanting for beer/How beautiful is she/My lovely sexy fiancee", where in the last word rhymed with she. Yeah...

      I think Cyprus was my favourite of last night too! Can't WAIT for tonight!!!! :D

      Hope the throat is better by tomorrow!

  4. I have to love eurovision just for the comedy value. I have heard that its so expensive to host that most countries try to send the biggest steaming pile of crap they have to make sure they don't win.

    Engelbert Humperdinck was representing England this year but I didn't watch as I was busy with my nephew. Hope to catch it sunday!

    1. I saw the preview for Engelbert Humperdinck's performance last night. It was pretty awful based on what I saw.

      And that would explain a LOT of the performances!!

  5. Maybe I've been living under a rock, or perhaps I'm just intellectually deficient, but I'm not sure I know what Eurovision is...

    1. Ohhhh, honey. This makes me sad for you. I guess maybe it's not big in America?? It's basically a ridiculous European singing competition wherein each country sends a representative and at the end of the performance, Europe votes for who they think was the best. But you can't vote for your own country.

      It's basically one giant pile of batshit crazy. And it's AMAZING. Basically, just look up Eurovision on Youtube and enjoy! :)

    2. Oh, no. My comment warranted an "Ohhhh, honey." My ignorance was that bad, huh? Maybe I SHOULD look it up on YouTube.

  6. Haha, love that you love Eurovision! I miss the Eurovision parties and associated drinking games we used to hold at university. I'll be missing it this year, and for the first time in ages I actually feel quite bereft :'(

    1. I'm not surprised you feel bereft!! I shall do my best to make you feel like you're watching it even though you're not. :)

  7. Oh man totally loving that you are posting about this and that JEDWARD are up for Ireland... these guys are so irritatingly brilliant. I worry sometimes that my lack of TV watching makes me un-cool and out of the loop... but now sweet child... I have YOU... so thank you! Love Elle xo

    1. I can't help but type JEDWARD!!! in capital letters with multiple exclamation marks after it. I kind of hate them and love them at the same time. It's kind of confusing...

      And you're totally welcome! :)


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