It's finals night, kids!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! (Although also a small dose of SAD FACE, because it means Eurovision will be over until next year...)
If you missed the semi-finals, you can check out my posts here and here. You can see all the acts on Youtube here, and all pictures are sourced from the individual country pages here.
Ooooh, Azerbaijan is starting the night with fireworks on the harbour - awesome!!! Looks pretty spectacular. And very Eurovision. My God. There is some insane interpretive dancing in light up costumes going on right now. Have to love the home country's opening acts! And now there are a bunch of women in very pretty blue dresses doing some traditional Azerbaijani dancing. Oh man. Now there are guys wearing light up vest playing light up drums. But of course! FLAMES. Now there's some kind of Azerbaijani Riverdance. And a big dose of crazy eyes from the guy out in front. Wowsers. WATERFALL OF FIRE!! Wheeeeee!!!
Awwww, and now last year's winners are back to perform the song that brought Eurovision to Baku. As the announcers have been saying all weekend, he's the Azerbaijani version of Charlie Pickering. All the hosts are wearing head to toe white outfits. EXCELLENT. What else would you expect from Eurovision, where you take a drink for every white suit?!
And now, on with the performances! I'll do proper stuff for the Big Five and Azerbaijan, and a couple of lines for the rest, as they've already performed in the semis.
United Kingdom - Englebert Humperdinck
Dammit, now I want to watch Princess Bride. Humperdinck, Humperdinck, Humperdinck, Humperdiiiiiinck!! Ahem. This performance is kind of like going to see someone in Vegas - they're past their prime and trying to recapture their fame, and it's all just a little bit sad. Aaand now they've grabbed a couple from So You Think You Can Dance and chucked them into the background doing a Latin dance. Ooooh, waterfall of fireworks. And catherine wheels! Waaaaaaay too much vibrato on the final note. Sorry, Humperdinck. You did a decent job, but I'm not sold.
Hungary - Compact Disco
They still sound like a group that would perform at the Bronze in Buffy. I don't remember his jacket having one gold lapel the other night... A solid performance.
Albania - Rona Nishliu
That's still a lot of hair. And she still reminds me of the women from The Fifth Element. She's got a pretty incredible set of pipes though. Shame it looks like she glued an intestine to her chest...
Lithuania - Donny Montell
That stupid blindfold is still annoying me. but it's the closest to an on-stage costume change we're going to get. SAD FACE. Wait. What are all the stripper images on the background screens?? Did NOT see those last night!
Bosnia & Herzegovina - Maya Sar
Oh, honey. At least TRY and look happy? I know your song is moody and deep, but seriously. Hahaha, she had her eyes closed when the wind machine came on, and it made it look like she wasn't expecting it.
Russia - Buranovskiye Babushki
The Grannies!!! They seem more relaxed than they were in the semi-final. They're still completely adorable. I hope this song is number 1 all over Russia. I'm actually singing along now. That's how great it is.
Iceland - Greta
The guy is still crazy intense and creeps me out a little. She's still very smiley. The more I hear this song, the more it reminds me of Evanescence...
Cyprus - Ivi Adamou
Huh. The outfits look less bridesmaidy than they did the other night. Shorter skirts, maybe?? Ivi looks like she's having a blast. I still see myself making this a total guilty pleasure song. I kind of love it.
France - Anggun
Holy crap, that was quite the set of abs in the background. Accompanied by white leggings. There are a stack of these blokes. They're doing acrobatics. EXCELLENT. I'm not quite sure what Anggun is wearing. Like an armour corset with a mesh floor length skirt?? Aaaaand now the hot guys are carrying her around the stage. WAIT. ARE BITS OF THIS SONG IN ENGLISH??????? THIS NEVER HAPPENS. EVER. Wow. Acrobatic breakdancing. And now the wind machine has stolen her skirt and is blowing it up in the air. Interesting...
Italy - Nina Zilli
Ooh, Big Five performances back to back! Interesting... Starting off with a saxophone. How very 80s. She's kind of an Italian Amy Winehouse, but less drugged out (too soon?). Hell, she even SOUNDS like Amy Winehouse! The song's kind of catchy. One of her back up singers looks like Lister from Red Dwarf. And her dance moves make it look like she needs to pee. Awkward... She was pretty good, I have to say!
Estonia - Oot Lepland
YES!! He did the eyebrow lift with his eyes closed again. I kind of love you, Oot. He's got a pretty great voice. It's not surprising he won Estonian Idol, really! He looks like he's having far more fun than the other night. Definitely a good performance.
Norway - Tooji
Zoolander meets Jacob Black. I may be chair dancing again. I'm not sorry. They're still good. The crowd loves it. I'm not surprised by any of this.
Azerbaijan - Sabina Babayeva
The host country are up! Let's see what they've got. A girl dressed like an angel. Okay then. The fog machine is working overtime again. I think Sabina's channelling Celine Dion. Her back up singers are using their skirts as props. I'm actually finding the male back up singer really irritating. He's overwhelming her AND looks like he's sitting on the floor in a straight jacket. I'm sure he's NOT, it just looks that way. The crowd goes crazy, but...eh.
Romania - Mandinga
Aaaah, playing the plastic bagpipes while moonwalking. We all do it. Right?! If anyone in this show were to have a wardrobe malfunction, I think it would be this girl. Ooh, the accordion flashes. That's a bit random.
Denmark - Soluna Somay
I still like this. But on a second run through, it sounds like something that would fit VERY nicely on the soundtrack of Dawson's Creek... The double bass player is wearing a singlet top under her corset. Apparently she realised she was in danger of slipping a nip on stage the other night!
Greece - Eleftheria Eleftheriou
Uh. Was her male back up dancer doing the worm on the ground the other night?? I'm sure I'd remember that. There are a LOT of pelvic thrusts in this song. I guess it's appropriate for a song called Aphrodisiac...
Sweden - Loreen
Strobe lights are go! The crowd's going wild for the favourite. She's certainly making the most of the lighting crew. I like this better tonight than I did last night. Although I still don't understand why it's snowing... SLOW MO FINISH!!
Turkey - Can Bonomo
Yay, the weird vampire chain-gang sailors! Lots of eye liner. It's still weird. I can't stop paying attention to the crazy back up dancers for long enough to listen to what the singer is saying...
Spain - Pastora Soler
Another Big Five entry. She's wearing white - it's the Eurovision way. It appears to be a toga and a lot of illusion netting. The Fug Girls would probably cut it off at midthigh and add ice skates. The background screen is raining. Ahaha, she's wearing body glitter. How 1999! She's got a pretty spectacular voice though. WIND MACHINE and a back lit white dress. At least she's not 16? Holy crap, that's a long note.
Germany - Roman Lob
The last of the Big Five. Awwww, he's adorable. I quite like this. Not a winning entry by a long shot, but something that you probably wouldn't turn off if it came on the radio. Although it seems a little bit low for him. Like he's struggling slightly with the lower notes? I'd probably vote for him just because he's cute though. Huh. Apparently it was cowritten by Jamie Cullum, which explains why it sounds radio ready!
Malta - Kurt Calleja
Oh, Kurt. You and your one glove. Put this up an octave and Kurt from Glee could take over quite nicely. And do a better job, I suspect... "This is the night for Malta!!" Oh Kurt. I think not.
F.Y.R. Macedonia - Kaliopi
She still looks like a Kardashian. She's still got an amazing voice. I think I like it better than I did in the semi-final. Maybe she's nailing the rock/ballad combo better? And she could still shatter glass with that scream.
Ireland - JEDWARD!!!
They're quite spectacularly terrible, but I kind of adore them. I think it's that they can't QUITE get their dance moves in sync. Also, I keep ending up with this song stuck in my head. It's like the new rickrolling. Ahahaha, awkward twin high fives. EXCELLENT.
Serbia - Zeljko Joksimovic
Oh hey. It's the world's most serious violinists. I remember this guy's instrumentalists more than him and his song. I'd say that's a bad sign...
Ukraine - Gaitana
Wow, her trumpet player is really struggling tonight... She appears to be nailing it though. Drag queens around the world are already planning their outfits to replicate this one. Hey, Gaitana? Sack your trumpeter. I have no idea what's going on. But he is TERRRRRRRRIBLE.
Moldova - Pasha Parfeny
Oh hey! It's Moldovan blacksmith Colin Farrell trying to pick up at a wedding! I don't remember his back up dancers showing that much of their knickers in the semi... Seriously. I don't not remember half of these ridiculous dance moves. It's kind of great.
Well. That's the end of the performances! Oh thank God. The hosts have changed out of their blinding white outfits. Aaaand it's raining confetti in the Crystal Hall. Half time act. Let's see what they've got. Oh good grief. The President of Azerbaijan's son-in-law. This promises to be terrible. Sweet mother of God, that's a lot of violins. And flaming torches. Storming Dracula's castle, perhaps?? Thor appears to be manning the drumkit. The President's son-in-law is being lowered down from the ceiling. He's kind of cute for a guy who needs a leg up from his father-in-law. Well. That was...interesting.
On to the voting! Hurrah, awkward satellite linkups from all over Europe. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!! I'm not going to go through the individual results because we've be here FOREVER. So let's cut straight to the good stuff.
The winner is...*drum roll*...SWEDEN!!! By a landslide. And the runner up is the Grannies from Russia - HURRAH!
What did you guys think of the final? Who would you have voted for, given the chance??
See you all next year for Eurovision 2013 in Stockholm. Or, you know, tomorrow for Movie Monday...