1. I will always hate the shoulder tracks in Pump classes; and
2. People at the gym tend to fall into certain pigeonholes, most of which are a little weird.
So here I present you with a (
You know, the ones who channel an Olympic weight lifter/Rafael Nadal, and grunt with exertion during everything they do. At my gym in Canberra, the weights room got so bad that they had to put up a sign asking people not to grunt so loudly because they were disturbing other patrons. Apparently that just meant a bunch of them migrated to the Pump classes, because we had an increasing number of grunters there by the time I left Canberra!
The Ones Who Can't Count
This occasionally goes hand in hand with the above. They're lifting more weight than they should, so they can't do the controlled "three counts down, one count up" like the rest of the class. So they go "123...wait for everyone to catch up" instead. But a lot of the time, it seems like people just suck at finding the beat in the song. And it's not exclusive to Pump. I've seen people doing exactly the same thing in pretty much every class on offer.
The Oompa Loompas
I'm pretty sure there's one woman in every gym class who is not only bright orange from all her fake tan, but who's actually put on a face full of make up just to hit the gym. I've actually seen women standing in the change rooms and touching up their make up before they go into a class. Just a note, ladies: if you wipe your face, and the towel ends up orange? It's probably time to lay off a little...
The Ones Who Don't Listen
Sure, if you have a medical reason to do something different to what the instructor is saying, I completely understand. But when there are people who go "Hmm, that seems a little bit hard. I'll just do my own thing instead."? Hell no. Especially when a lot of them end up doing exercises in a way that'll just result in injury. I've had a couple of instructors who've actually had to tell them to please do what the rest of the class is doing. Awesome.
The Ones Who Stand Too Close
Does anyone else get to the gym, stand around waiting for a class, and then two seconds before the class starts, someone turns up and stands RIGHT NEXT TO YOU? And by right next to you, I mean get-the-fuck-out-of-my-personal-bubble close. I kind of want to make a t-shirt to wear to Combat that says "If you stand in my bubble, I take no responsibility for accidentally hitting you"...
The Instructors Who Don't Need to Breathe
I've found this one applies mostly to Step instructors. They're always indescribably cheerful, and even on days when it's 35 degrees C outside, they insist on doing all ten tracks without a break. At least one has glared at me for daring to require oxygen and a drink of water during their class.
The Ones Who Dress Inappropriately
At the gym in Canberra, there was a woman in her 60s who used to come to a few of the same classes as me. She was an Oompa Loompa type, and every week without fail, she would turn up in short shorts. My former work wife and I had a nickname for her: Vagina Shorts Lady. Because when she bent over for any reason, NOTHING was left to the imagination. People would actually pick up their stuff and move across the room when she stood in front of them. And today, a woman at the gym had shorts so short that her undies were sticking out the bottom of the leg holes. Similarly, there was a woman at the gym in Canberra who always turned up to Zumba in jeggings. And there's one here who turns up in a leotard and a lace top. No. Just...no.
The Pains in the Butt
The ones who hold everyone else up because they decide to put half their gear away in between tracks. And who basically stand on your face to do so. I always feel slightly smug when they pack up while everyone else is getting a drink, and then the instructor says that you'll still need that piece of equipment that they just put away. They're also the ones who get there half an hour early, set up their stuff in the primo spot under the air conditioner, then go off and "warm up" by walking at 4kph on the treadmill, and then run into the class at the last minute.
The Conversation Joiners
We had one of these in Canberra too. We called him Talks-Too-Much-Navy-Guy. You'd be in the middle of a conversation with a friend and he would appear out of nowhere and join in with bizarre personal details that no one asked for. I'm all for striking up a conversation with the person next to you. About *gym* related things, until you know them better. Not about whether or not you think your boss is going to give you a pay rise.
The Instructor Who You Think Is Hot...For a While
We had one of these in Canberra. We called him Hot Scott. There may have been quite a lot of giggling from our corner of the room when Hot Scott was teaching. And then I realised that he checked out his own muscles while doing bicep curls, and it was all over. He was officially resigned to Douchebag Land...
And finally, we have this:
The One Who Sings Along Under Their Breath To All The Really Awful Pop Songs
Um. Guilty as charged... It doesn't help that a couple of the instructors I've had over the years have encouraged people to sing along. Once you've started, it's really hard to make yourself stop...
Which of them have you come across? And - more importantly - have I missed any?