Sunday, March 27, 2011

It's official - my brain is on drugs

Seriously, y'all. I don't know what the hell my brain is smoking, but in the past year, it's been throwing out the strangest dreams EVER. There was the one where I had to save a bunch of puppies from being eaten by crocodiles. The one where I was playing baseball against Edward Cullen - in a supermarket. The one where a T-rex was rampaging through Woden eating bogans, and it had an animatronic velociraptor as a pet that was acting like a sheepdog and rounding up the bogans to be eaten. And the one where a friend had lost a hand in an industrial accident and wanted help selecting the most lifelike prosthesis.

But last night? Last night was by far the weirdest. It was my wedding day (which, for those of you who know me in real life, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), and I was marrying Gene Hunt from Ashes to Ashes. This guy, for those of you who aren't familiar with the show:
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Sex on legs, no? So, yeah, that was weird enough. But then we need to add in the fact that these two were my bridesmaids:
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Yes, Catherine and Pippa Middleton. Sure, I went to primary school with them, but I've had no contact with either of them since 1994. And they were wearing really ugly pistachio (only slightly more olive) coloured dresses. We were running late, and couldn't get a taxi to get us to the venue. So someone from work gave us a lift. On her QUAD BIKE. And I didn't have a garment bag for my dress, so I was freaking out that it was going to get dirty. Speaking of my dress, it looked like this:


Aren't my Paint skills fantastic? I should totally sell my artwork for millions of dollars... Anyway, it was eggplant coloured silk. But the bits on the front were a combination of glittery crap and fake fur (the orange looked like a skinned Muppet). And the bottom bit was a layer of some kind of cheap, shiny navy blue crinkly fabric. Dream Kirsti took one look at it and went "Okay, what the FUCK was Past Kirsti drinking when she bought this thing??"

Anyway, we got to the venue (on the quad bike), and I headed inside to get changed. Only to find that the alterations place had scribbled a bunch of numbers across the neckline of my dress in permanent marker. Like THAT would make the dress worse! And then I remembered that I'd never gotten around to booking a hairdresser or buying fancy underwear, so I was going to have to walk down the aisle with my hair in a ponytail and wearing whatever knickers I'd grabbed from the cupboard that morning. Oh, and I hadn't shaved my legs, and I kept putting my shoes on only to find that I'd somehow put on my sneakers instead of my wedding shoes (which, weirdly given the colour of my dress, were white).

Then the best man came in. Who was the best man, you might ask? THIS DUDE:
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Yep. Niles, the butler from The Nanny. Anyway, Niles came in to tell me that there weren't enough gift baskets for the guests. Apparently I'd decided that we needed to give ACTUAL baskets to all our guests, and they were filled with scones wrapped in tea towels. Quite what I thought our guests would do with these during the ceremony, I have no idea. Then my mum arrived, and proceeded to tell me that after the ceremony, I had to go to school with her and read a couple of books to the grade 1s.

Oh, and my engagement ring was a ruby stuck to a piece of tin foil wrapped around my finger. And throughout the whole thing, I knew I was making a massive mistake, but the Middletons wouldn't let me have my phone to call a taxi or whatever.

And then, THANK GOD, I woke up before I had to go through with marrying a character from a TV show in the ugliest dress in history. If anyone has even the faintest clue what the FUCK my brain is trying to tell me, could you let me know?

Dear Brain,
Please stop smoking crack when I'm not looking. Kthxbai.
Love,
Kirsti

Please tell you guys have whacked out dreams all the time too???

K xx

9 comments:

  1. I have four words for you:

    Harvey the Mango Whale.

    You're in good company :)

    Also, I could take a stab at anaylsing it but CBF typing it out. I have more important things to do. Like eat.

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  2. Seriously, when I was trying to come up with a bunch of my weird-arse dreams, I was all "Harvery the Mango Whale", and then I was like "Oh wait. That wasn't me, was it..."

    At least when analysed, Harvey the Mango Whale made perfect sense. I'm not entirely sure you can look up 'Catherine Middleton' or 'Gene Hunt' or 'Niles the butler from The Nanny' in a dream dictionary!! ;)

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  3. Don't you just love crazy dreams? They just make sleeping so much more fun!

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  4. I find it's a combination of fun and "where the fuck did that come from????", Katie!

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  5. Well that sure is a pretty dress...?

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  6. Oh, believe me when I say it was even prettier with the textures of the different fabrics! o.O

    Even Carrie Bradshaw wouldn't have worn that shit...

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  7. Hahaha I love that Niles was in your dream! That's amazing!

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  8. It was more weird, seeing as I haven't seen The Nanny in years!

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  9. Wow, that's a pretty intense dream! Last night I dreamed about knowing I was about to be shot on a street during the course of my day, but still doing everything exactly the way that lead to me being shot.

    I mean, in real life I would definitely at least strap on a bullet-proof vest under my work shirt.

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