Saturday, September 18, 2010

Misery rant - read at your own risk...

My least favourite thing about Canberra? The periodic bouts of loneliness and homesickness that I seem to get since I moved up here. I've lived a lot of places in my twenty seven years, but there's always been a support network to fall back on. Up here? Not so much. Sure, I have friends up here. But for the most part, they're people I work with. And me in one of these bouts is not something I want to force on anyone who's only known me for a year.

Every couple of months, I seem to get hit by a wave of it. I end up feeling like I could disappear and no one would even notice I was gone. Like I'm going through the motions. Like I'm a spectator in my own life. Like everyone else knows what the hell is going on, and I'm still messing about in the shallow end of the pool with my floaties on. Like there's a tiny marionette Kim Jong-Il in my head singing "I'm Ronery" (ironically, Team America is on TV tonight...). Like the only thing that will help is getting on a plane to Melbourne and never coming back. And then suddenly, inexplicably, I'll be fine again. For a while, at least.

This time? I think it's partly exhaustion. Work has been crazy lately. And I've been having bizarre, disturbing dreams, which generally result in waking up feeling like I've run a marathon. I'm also blaming the weather. Canberra is sunny. All. The. Time. I'm a Melbourne girl. This much sunshine isn't natural... And the hayfever. Oh, God, the hayfever... (I only get hayfever in Canberra. And it just about kills me every year...)

This time though? I've made a decision, which I may or may not stick to. But at this stage, my decision is this - when the project is over next year? Yeah, I'm getting the hell out of Dodge and moving back to Melbourne. Because I don't think I can stand it any longer than that...

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch the 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' literal video again. Because if anything can make me suck it up and stop being a miserable whiner, it's that.

K xx

3 comments:

  1. Boooooo.

    I get that too. For me, it hasn't really changed in nearly three years. And yes, pretty much all the people I'm friends with are those that I work with.

    On the other hand, moving back to Melbourne (for either of us!) might not solve the problem. Other people have moved away, or moved on, since then, so things wouldn't be the same.

    I'm not sure what the solution is, but I can be a sad-sack with you! *hugs*

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  2. Well, misery does love company!! So welcome to the club... ;)

    And true, moving back to Melbourne might not solve the problem. But it would mean at the very least siblings and parents and cousins who are obligated to listen to you whinge!

    Maybe a trans-Tasman misery society is in order??? Do you want to be President or Treasurer? ;) xx

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  3. I get it too. I got it worst when my heart nearly got the better of me in a David Jones changeroom at Easter, and Grant was working remote and couldn't be called, and pretty much all of my work friends had gone home for Easter. And then I realised that I'd made a friend who could rescue me. But she's about it, and I hate to impose on other people's well-founded lives, so mostly I just tread water and hope for a moment of clarity that tells me what I truly want to do with my life, and go see movies on my own (although the lady at the cafe next door to the cinema where I get my hot chocolate is lovely and we always have a dorky little joke about marshmallows), potter around the house and go for walks and not a lot else. And now I'm about to move away from TWO homes, to Barham. This Misery Society has more members than you may think... xoxo

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