My least favourite thing about Canberra? The periodic bouts of loneliness and homesickness that I seem to get since I moved up here. I've lived a lot of places in my twenty seven years, but there's always been a support network to fall back on. Up here? Not so much. Sure, I have friends up here. But for the most part, they're people I work with. And me in one of these bouts is not something I want to force on anyone who's only known me for a year.
Every couple of months, I seem to get hit by a wave of it. I end up feeling like I could disappear and no one would even notice I was gone. Like I'm going through the motions. Like I'm a spectator in my own life. Like everyone else knows what the hell is going on, and I'm still messing about in the shallow end of the pool with my floaties on. Like there's a tiny marionette Kim Jong-Il in my head singing "I'm Ronery" (ironically, Team America is on TV tonight...). Like the only thing that will help is getting on a plane to Melbourne and never coming back. And then suddenly, inexplicably, I'll be fine again. For a while, at least.
This time? I think it's partly exhaustion. Work has been crazy lately. And I've been having bizarre, disturbing dreams, which generally result in waking up feeling like I've run a marathon. I'm also blaming the weather. Canberra is sunny. All. The. Time. I'm a Melbourne girl. This much sunshine isn't natural... And the hayfever. Oh, God, the hayfever... (I only get hayfever in Canberra. And it just about kills me every year...)
This time though? I've made a decision, which I may or may not stick to. But at this stage, my decision is this - when the project is over next year? Yeah, I'm getting the hell out of Dodge and moving back to Melbourne. Because I don't think I can stand it any longer than that...
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch the 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' literal video again. Because if anything can make me suck it up and stop being a miserable whiner, it's that.