Dear Tinned chickpeas,
Why do you smell like tinned dog food? It's not normal, I'm sure of it. All I wanted to do was make hummus. Thanks ever so much for stinking out my entire apartment...
Dear Noise-cancelling headphones,
Why do you always fall out of my ears? It completely contradicts your job description, doesn't it? And while we're talking, how do you always manage to tie yourself in intricate knots when I put you away so neatly???? Stopping this behaviour would be much appreciated.
I understand that the footpath outside my apartment is a shared footpath. But there's a very clear sign that says you're meant to use your bell when overtaking pedestrians. Do you think you could try paying attention to it once in a while??? My adrenal gland can't take much more of this. Especially when there's a flock of cockatoos around. Because then you add terrified birds to the equation. And we all know how much I love birds..........
Dear Tony Abbott's budgie smugglers,
Please please please please PLEASE fuck off? There isn't enough brain bleach on the planet to get rid of the sight of you...
Dear People walking past my apartment,
I know I live on the ground floor, but do you HAVE to stare in my windows as you walk past? I know there's not a whole lot to look at on this street, but is me folding my laundry/watching TV/putting my groceries away REALLY so fascinating? It kind of creeps me out...
Please grow faster so that I can't see the people staring in my windows any more...