Sunday, August 8, 2010

Letters to bad things...

Dear Tinned chickpeas,
Why do you smell like tinned dog food? It's not normal, I'm sure of it. All I wanted to do was make hummus. Thanks ever so much for stinking out my entire apartment...
Love, K.

Dear Noise-cancelling headphones,
Why do you always fall out of my ears? It completely contradicts your job description, doesn't it? And while we're talking, how do you always manage to tie yourself in intricate knots when I put you away so neatly???? Stopping this behaviour would be much appreciated.
Love, K.

Dear Cyclists,
I understand that the footpath outside my apartment is a shared footpath. But there's a very clear sign that says you're meant to use your bell when overtaking pedestrians. Do you think you could try paying attention to it once in a while??? My adrenal gland can't take much more of this. Especially when there's a flock of cockatoos around. Because then you add terrified birds to the equation. And we all know how much I love birds..........
Love, K.

Dear Tony Abbott's budgie smugglers,
Please please please please PLEASE fuck off? There isn't enough brain bleach on the planet to get rid of the sight of you...
Love, K.

Dear People walking past my apartment,
I know I live on the ground floor, but do you HAVE to stare in my windows as you walk past? I know there's not a whole lot to look at on this street, but is me folding my laundry/watching TV/putting my groceries away REALLY so fascinating? It kind of creeps me out...
Love, K.

Dear Hedge,
Please grow faster so that I can't see the people staring in my windows any more...
Love, K.

4 comments:

  1. Can you add tinned corn (of the creamed or kernel variety) to your chickpeas letter? I've always wondered how it, too, smells of dog food whilst not containing any of the same ingredients.
    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. This was worse than the tinned corn smell. This was like dog food that had been left sitting in the sun for a week...

    It reminded me of the summer we did a house exchange in London when I was a kid, and there was a cat living in the house we were staying at. And it was stinking hot, and the entire house reeked of heated cat food *gags*

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think it's got something to do with the salt content. Dog food is very salty. Or so I hear!

    And at least you don't fold your laundry nude. Or do the other stuff nude. I'm assuming! If it's during the day you'll probably find they're actually just checking their own reflection out, and if it's the evening and the light is on, wellllll maybe close the curtains. Especially if you want to do it nude.

    I like the word "nude" :)

    ~* Ness (at work, can't sign into Google account)

    ReplyDelete
  4. How much dope have you been smoking, Nessa??? Jesus.................

    ReplyDelete

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