Friday, December 4, 2009

Things I don't understand

So next Friday night is the work Christmas party. And apparently when it comes to my work, there's always a theme involved. This year, the theme is "green museum" - to be interpreted as the attendees see fit. Suggestions on the invitation included dressing as Kermit the Frog or buying an outfit from an op shop. I was planning on interpreting the theme as "wear something somewhere on your person that's green", and was going to cover that with a green hair ribbon. But apparently in museum world, that's insufficient commitment to the theme...

Last weekend, some of the curators decided that all of us need to wear hideous green dresses purchased at op shops - ideally, ugly bridesmaid's dresses of the type sported by Buffy, Willow and Tara at Anya and Xander's wedding in season 6. In case you're not a Buffy fan, they looked like this:

Yep, her face pretty much says it all... *shudder*
Anyway, it seems that the general idea with the Christmas party is to humiliate one's self as much as possible. And not in a Bridget Jones drunken singing type of a way. But in a "wearing the most Godawful outfit you can find" way... Which I really don't understand. But I guess there's not a lot I can do to avoid it.
Anyway, the whole thing has led me to thinking about other things that I don't get. Mostly in terms of fashion, but a couple of other random things as well. So here's a list of things that I can't for the life of me understand the appeal of:
  • Harem pants. Seriously. You look like you've pooped yourself. How is this a good thing??
  • Maxi dresses. Unless you're a complete stick insect (and sometimes even if you are), they make you look pregnant. So shop assistants? Please stop recommending them to me on the basis that I'm tall.
  • Man leggings (also known as meggings). Unless you're a ballet dancer or a professional footballer at training, there is absolutely no reason for men to wear leggings. For that matter, unless you're a ballet dancer or at the gym, there is absolutely no reason for women to wear leggings. Basically, leggings should be reserved for fitness situations only. [Note to self: burn all photos of 10 year old me wearing sky blue leggings with giant pink flowers on them. The horror, the horror]
  • Wedge heels. They're just ugly. It's amazing the number of pairs of shoes I see in shops where I've gone "Ooooh, they're cute! *picks them up to study them closer* Urgh. Wedge heel... *walks away shaking head*"
  • Crocs. They're a crime against nature. They *might* be acceptable if you're doing the gardening or washing the dog. But never EVER in public. I saw a man in the city yesterday wearing a three piece suit and purple Crocs. I nearly died of horror.
  • Short shorts. Unless you're a size 6/8, you have no place wearing these. And even then, they should be limited to summer. I saw a girl last winter who probably weighed a hundred kilos wearing short shorts. Her thighs were blue and strongly resembled cottage cheese. It's just not right...
  • Animal print trousers. Why???? Dear God in Heaven, why????
  • Ugg boots. They might be comfortable. But why the hell do I have to listen to you scuffle around in them like you're wearing paper bags on your feet?
  • Coloured fishnets. Cos nothing says class like a business suit with lavender fishnets. Which I actually did see the other week... *shudder*
  • Ed Hardy anything. Freaking try hards.
  • Sushi. Raw fish and seaweed? Where do I sign up??
  • iPhones. I'm sure they're endlessly entertaining, but I just don't get why you need a device that can make lightsabre noises (with the right application, of course) but takes half an hour to work out how to make a phone call...
  • Yoga/Pilates. I'm sure it works for some people (hi Mum!), but I just feel like the instructors are sitting around planning the classes by going "Hmmm, how stupid can I make them look this week?" Plus, they all seem to have forgotten how frequently humans need to breathe. If I paid attention to how often the instructors told me to breathe, I'd die from lack of oxygen...
  • Edward Cullen. a) he's seventeen and most of those obsessed with him are not. It's creepy. b) he's a total stalker. It's creepy. c) he's a complete misogynist who thinks he knows what's best for the ever annoying whatsherface. It's creepy. d) he's voluntarily chosen to repeat high school for nearly a hundred years. That's SERIOUSLY creepy. e) he glitters in sunlight and drives a Volvo. That's just freaking hilarious...
This is by no means a complete list of things I don't understand (the stock exchange and how to do my tax return to name a couple), but it covers the major points. Course, I shouldn't exactly judge people on their fashion choices, having once sported this delightful outfit:
Oh. Dear. God... (To be fair, it was for a 70s costume party but still...)
;) K xx

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